WASHINGTON—BP head Tony Hayward apologized before lawmakers on Thursday, taking it on the chin for over two hours before stating that the firm’s $20B in escrow for clean-up wasn’t the worst—or best—idea he’d ever had.
But once Rep. Henry Waxman (D-California) got finished, the BP chief, obviously alarmed that Americans would elect someone who so closely resembles a ferret, brightly offered the following: “I wonder if this is the proper time to bring this up, but our Chief Polymer Office, Nigel Schmear, has informed me that his team of scientists has determined that our negligence might save thousands—perhaps millions—of Americans from skin cancer in the coming years.”
Hayward went on to state that swimmers in the Gulf of Mexico will, over the next decade or so, be bathing in a thick coat of dark slime that will serve as “the king of all sunblocks.
“And,” continued Hayward , “it’ll be, like, SPF 15,000. I wouldn’t be surprised if the rate of skin cancer—at least for those southern inbreds who’ll swim in anything—could go down dramatically.”
But Dr. Tim Frye, the Senior Director of Skin Disorders and Topical Creams at the National Institutes of Health, firmly disagreed, wondering if swimmers, once they emerge from the water, might just burst into flames. “If you could ensure they’d stay in the water and never get out, Hayward might be onto something. But the gulf coast, which has the highest rate of smokers, might soon have the highest rate of flaming rednecks. You light a smoke with 5 pounds of oil covering your body, and all bets are off. However,” mused Frye, rubbing his chin, “it might be an acceptable way to thin out the population down there. They breed like bunnies.”
BP shares gained slightly Friday, proof that Wall Street will buy into anything.—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting
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