April 19, 2011

Hey, folks, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, the company that was so cruelly protrayed in some idiot’s novel entitled Citizen Dick. Don’t buy it—he attacks me in the book, as well, but claims his using of my name, title, and exact physical description was purely a coincidence. 
    Anyway, my nephew Clarence came over to the house a couple of weeks ago and asked to stay with me for a few days. He promptly stuffed a towel under the bedroom door, and told me he needed some time alone. Then he came out seversl hours later and emptied my pantry of Twinkies and potatoe chips. 
    Later that night, he suggested that I write something on a regular basis, something that, according to him, would let the public—especially CommGlobalTeleVista customers and investors—know that I’m up with the times, that I understand what’s going on out there in cyberspace, especially when a lot of our revenue comes from connecting people to the Internet. This type of writing is, in case you don’t know, what the kids these days are calling a blog. And I thought Wow, I’ve written a blog for years and didn’t even know it. Let me explain.

  Every Thursday for as long as I can remember, I eat lunch at the club, then drink my dessert, about 8 to 15 ounces worth.  Oftentimes, I’ll have even more servings of dessert than that.  Then I go back to the office—the dessert usually runs right through me—-and end up sitting at my regular spot, the last stall on the right in the executive washroom. You’re probably wondering why a CEO with a Fortune 1,000 (used to be 500) company doesn’t have his own bathroom. I’m glad you asked. I do have my own bathroom, but for the past five years I’ve used it for something else. I love building models—-of cars, planes, boats, US and British presidents, and re-creations of some of the world’s biggest natural disasters. I have an exact replica of Godzilla attacking downtown Tokyo! I’m not sure if that’s considered a natural disaster, but a big lizard breathing fire is fantastic.

  But my models take up the entire bathroom, so I’m going to try to have a bunch of extra space added to it, but getting that expense past the board and auditors might be tough. But, of course, that’s why I hired Kent Battdarfen, my CFO. He’s too neat for my tastes, but very crafty, and claims to have found over 20 loopholes in the Declaration of Independence. Now he’s taking a red pen to the Ten Commandments. When he’s done, I’ll bet there are at least two we don’t have to worry about anymore. Maybe we’ll call them The Eight Commandments and Two Tips. I pray Kent finds fault with the coveting your neighbor’s wife one. Not that it’s stopped me to date. I’m not sure there’s a neighbor—-female, that is-—I haven’t coveted a time or two. Even the lady who lives behind us caught my eye one day, and she could quite possibly be a man. And if she is, then, yes, I’ve coveted a male neighbor, too.

  Yep, I’d rather use the last stall on the right. I don’t want to give up my models. When I need a break-—usually between 10 and 3—-I’ll duck into my “model” room and work on my latest disaster, which is based on the hair plugs I got about a month ago. They removed some of my back hair and re-planted them in my head, but the back hair grew back thicker and darker and the plugs fell out within a week, dry and shriveled as if I needed to water them but didn’t.

  So, anyway, I like to hit the last stall on the right and do one of three things-—my “business”, practice the harmonica, or write about whatever’s on my mind. This was a suggestion from a psychologist friend—-I wasn’t a patient, I swear—-who said that the best way to work out “issues” is to get them down on paper. So every Thursday for the past 10 years, I’ve been writing a blog and didn’t even know it. I’ll continue to publish it, this blog of mine. It feels good to be a member of the cutting edge of technology.

  Keep dialing…but on our phone lines!

                         —Noble Tud, CEO, CommGlobalTeleVista