FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE                         


CONTACT:
Roderick Nerberger, III
CommGlobalTeleVista
214-289-7729
littlerod.nerberger@commglobaltelevista.com
http://www.commglobaltelevista.com

CommGlobalTeleVista To Offer New Service At Retail Locations

Dallas, Texas — April 28, 2011 — CommGlobalTeleVista, the 5th largest telecommunications corporation in the United States that was featured in Richard Arneson’s novel Citizen Dick, announced today that in June each of its 2,500 retail locations will offer a service to complement its 2010 entry into the domesticated animal marketplace (last year, the company sold over 2,275 pet calendars that featured dogs, cats and parrots posing with CommGlobalTeleVista’s wireless products.)

“I’ve had this idea for as long as I can remember,” said Noble Tud, CommGlobalTeleVista’s CEO, ”but I’ve been waiting for the right time to share it with the public. Or, for that matter, with anybody. And once our stock price snuck up—or down, I guess—on $10 per share, I decided this was the perfect time.”

So CommGlobalTeleVista will offer—at all of its retail locations—what most in the telecommunications industry consider nothing more than a desperate attempt to gain cheap publicity for a company that’s lost over 75% of its value in the past twelve quarters and, many contend, still thinks the Internet is a fad.

“Along with offering the finest wireless devices in the industry, we’ll also be sexing animals of all sorts and types,” said Tud without a hint of embarrassment, contrition, or remorse. “When I was fighting for my life at a Connecticut prep school in the late 60’s, I had a 12-inch gecko that I kept in my dungarees. I called him Merv. And even though I had it for over 10 years, I never knew whether Merv was really a Merv. And that makes cuddling very uncomfortable. And after I took in a turtle with no discernible privates last year, I decided that one day I’d open up a a store that did nothing but sex animals. There’re a few folks in our call center I’d like to send in for a good sexing, as well.”

So along with selling and servicing wireless devices, CommGlobalTeleVista retail personnel will be responsible for turning over animals of all types and “routing around” to determine whether or not they should be living in pink or blue vivariums.

Said Rickie Snell, a CommGlobalTeleVista store manager from El Paso, Texas: “I’ve recently been through the most disturbing training in my 20-plus years in the wireless industry. I feel filthy, but after sexing everything from corn snakes to salamanders—including the mandatory sexing of my district manager Raul for one really uncomfortable late night training session—I’m confident we’ll be successful sexers for CommGlobalTeleVista. Sure, some of my staff seemed to enjoy the training too much, but, in my opinion, that should translate into more sales. And once you’ve sexed something that violently doesn’t want to be sexed, selling cell phones should be a breeze. I like the direction Mr. Tud’s taking us in. He’s pretty bright, I guess.”

At day’s end, CommGlobalTeleVista’s stock price was down 0.13 to $10.20 per share.

For additional information about CommGlobalTeleVista’s new sexing service, go to www.commglobaltelevista.com and type “sexing” into the search line, then hope the request gets through your company’s firewall and doesn’t end up in the hands of Human Resources. 

CommGlobalTeleVista is a global telecommunications corporation employing over 44,000 cynical employees in twenty-two offices on four continents, even though they only offer services on three. Claiming to have the first sexing division in the telecommunications industry, CommGlobalTeleVista owns and operates thousands of domestic, fiber optic miles that traverse the country in no particular form or fashion. CommGlobalTeleVista sells long distance and data service, cell phones, spotty wireless connectivity, pre-paid calling cards, meat byproducts, 1 1/2G service, and soup-to-nuts sexing services.

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