May 3, 2011
Hi shareholders, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, the best company—and an even better telecommunications company—in the world…if that makes sense.
I, like I’m sure most of you, was thrilled to see that the United States military successfully took down Obama Bin Laden* over the weekend. It just goes to prove that, in the end, justice does prevail, as I’m sure will happen once my attorney presents my phone records and tax filings in court next week.
And it reminded me of something that happened at CommGlobalTeleVista about eight years ago, only weeks after I was released from CEO camp.** It was reported in a novel called Citizen Dick, a piece of trash that is, in my opinion, little more than bound toilet paper. And I feel pretty sure the idea was dreamed up and implemented by the book’s author, who I pray*** is reading this from a penitentiary, a mean one where the inmates aren’t particularly honest and sincere and will hurt his feelings on a daily basis.
If you remember, back in the early 2000s there were trading cards with the head terrorist honchos on them, and people used to collect and trade them. I think Obama**** was probably the ace of spades, and, like, the two of hearts was some blind, hairy, Muslim cleric in Michigan. I actually had several Obama***** cards, but, I’d like to go on record that I collected them because I liked his lustrous beard. The towel always covered his head, but his hair was probably just as nice, and I’m sure it would look great on my head.
So this Arneson numbskull puts out these playing cards, but instead of terrorists he puts different CEOs’ pictures on them, all of them ones who went on to prison. Or, in my case, CEO camp. Now if that wasn’t insulting enough, Arneson assigns me the three of clubs, a known crappy card. Nobody likes getting a club, everybody knows that, even if it’s an ace. But to assign me a low number that’s also a club is really disheartening. I went to the Wharton School after all—I’m an Ivy leaguer for God’s sake. So people started to trade the cards online, and you’d need about 50 Noble Tud cards to get one Kenneth Lay card. And you needed over a hundred Tuds to get one Dennis Kozlowski! I met Kozlowski at the CEO camp and he was balder than me! And not even that bright—he expensed a shower curtain that was worth over $6,000. That’s insane. When I expensed a door knob for $5,000, it had gold inlay and never touched any filthy bath water. What an idiot. And he was in charge of Tyco, which makes toy trains if memory serves me.
I just got a knock on the door, and I can tell it’s Jeannine. She has lovely hands; even her door knocks sound beautiful. It’s 10:15 and I have a 9:30 meeting; she’s probably going to make me go to it. I heard there’s an auditor lurking around here somewhere. Thank God I had the doorknob installed at my house.
Keep dialing…but on our phone lines!
-Noble Tud, CEO, CommGlobalTeleVista
* Jeannine Note: Noble still calls Bin Laden Obama, and the president Osama, even when using it with his first name—Barack Osama.
** Jeannine Note: It was the Vacaville State Correctional Facility.
*** Jeannine Note: Ironic he used the word because he’s either atheist or agnostic, but doesn’t know which because he doesn’t know the difference.
**** Jeannine Note: See first note above.
***** Jeannine Note: Please tell me you didn’t have to refer to this note.
