May 10th
Hi shareholders, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, a company that’s currently trading at $9.07, which is better than all of the companies that are trading at less than that.
”White with what?!” I asked.
So over the weekend I’m at a Texas Rangers baseball game (I’m a Phillies fan—Wharton School grad and all) and they trot some hick out during the seventh inning stretch to sing God Bless America. Now, granted, I’m on my fifth (possibly eighth or ninth) gin martini (of course we’re in the CommGlobalTeleVista suite…no beer and nachos there. God bless our marketing department), so I might not have raised quite a stink over it otherwise, but I’m singing along to this country & western yodeler and, like every toothless drunk in the cheap seats, sing, “to the mountains, to the prairies, to the oceans, hmmm hmmm hmmm.”
Nobody knows what comes next. So I turn to this freshly scrubbed attendant named Ned who was standing next to me and ask him what the hell that line is. And he tells me something that almost made me crack him over the head with, ironically, my big, oversized foam finger.
“White with what?!”
”That’s right,” he says. “It’s ’white with foam.’”
”No, no, no. We wouldn’t put foam in a song like that!”
I turned to the person to my right, a guy who’s responsible for about $10 million a year of revenue for CommGlobalTeleVista. He, like me, is bald as hell, but damn he’s well built. If I wasn’t married—and the incredibly manly man I am—I’d ask him out to dinner and a movie, a PG-13 one.
Anyway, he agrees with Ned The Server, that foam is in one of our most beloved songs.
Let me tell you a little bit about foam. First of all, I went to a party in Greenwich Village several years ago after what I’m certain was the ingestion of a well-placed mickey. So I wake up, check the time (my watch was gone), and find myself dancing with a cowboy named Rooter (maybe Rootie or Root’n Toot’n, I don’t remember) who was wearing nothing but chaps and a cowboy hat. I mean nothing but chaps and hat. And, get this, we were standing, then dancing, in foam. More foam than you’ve ever seen in your life. And the lights were going on and off, and on and off, and this music was sending thrilling, pulsating shock waves up and down my body. Even the hair on my back was standing on end. And there’s Rooty, knee deep in foam that was coming up from the floor and floating down from the ceiling. It was a ball, really, but something I’d never do again…or admit anywhere other than on the Internet, where, from what I’ve been told, nobody who’s under 30-years-old ventures onto. And they’re not really the CommGlobalTeleVista stockholders, are they?
Rooty aside, as I’m listening to God Bless America at the ballgame after finding out that it contains the word foam, I start to get real irritated, to the point that I ordered several more drinks. My father, who was in World War II fighting for our freedom and the right to have crummy, dead-end corporate jobs when the war was over, would be appalled to learn that he could’ve lost his life defending a country that would put foam in the lyrics of a patriotic song. We might as well put cotton candy in The National Anthem; or Vaseline in America the Beautiful. Form is perverted. Foam isn’t befitting a country that has a 13-1 war record. I sure wouldn’t want to defend people that sing about foam at baseball games. And for the rest of my life, whenever I hear God Bless America all be able to envision is a chiseled, naked cowboy.
So, for that reason, I’ve sent several re-write recommendations to the Osama* White House, and I’m sure he’ll give them the consideration they deserve. After all, CommGlobalTeleVista gave over $750,000 to the Democratic Party via our political action committee.**
So here they are—”white with foam” should be changed to one of the following…
1. Please phone home;
2. Polish my dome;
3. My son’s a clone;
4. I’d like a cone; or
5. Stroka’ me bone (my favorite…I sing it with a pirate accent).
I should be hearing back from him within the next 24 hours, possibly sooner. But until those words get changed, please, please don’t sing white with foam. Do what I’ve done for years—hum that part. My dearly departed father didn’t spend three years guarding the Carolina coast so Americans could sing about foam.
And thanks once again to my lovely secretary*** Jeannine, who’s responsible for getting these out. Incidentally, she looks lovely today, and I’ve never seen her feet and toes looking any better.****
Keep dialing…but on our phone lines!
-Noble Tud, CEO, CommGlobalTeleVista
* Jeannine Note: Noble still calls Bin Laden Obama, and the president Osama, even when using it with his first name—Barack Osama.
** Jeannine Note: CommGlobalTeleVista gave over $3.2 million to the Republican Party, and accidently sent a check $325,000 to the Whig and Communist Paries.
***Jeannine Note: EXECUTIVE Secretary is my title.
****Jeannine Note: Yep, he has a foot fetish…but my feet do look fabulous.
