FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE                         


CONTACT:
Roderick Nerberger, III
CommGlobalTeleVista
214-289-7729
littlerod.nerberger@commglobaltelevista.com
http://www.commglobaltelevista.com

CommGlobalTeleVista Finds Cure, Needs More Money To Complete Testing, Share With Public

Dallas, Texas — May 20, 2011 — CommGlobalTeleVista, the 5th largest telecommunications corporation in the United States that was featured in Richard Arneson’s novel Citizen Dick, announced today that it’s not ready to make public its discovery of an instant cure for the hiccups until further testing can be carried out. But, insists Noble Tud, CommGlobalTeleVista’s CEO, the corporation doesn’t have enough capital to continue testing at this time.

“Unfortunately we didn’t sell enough of the additional 700,000 shares we made available to the public in January,” said Tud, his lower lip jutting out and quivering. ”So I guess only about 10 of us at CommGlobalTeleVista will know how to get rid of the hiccups. Too, too bad; we would have loved to share the secret, but it wouldn’t be responsible to do so until we were 100 percent sure it’s safe. But, trust me, we know it’s effective. To test it, I downed two shots of Tabasco, got hiccups that almost dislodged my esophagus, and seconds later was ready for another shot.  Gone, just like that. 

“At this point, I can only hope those Wall Street”—Tud air quotes—”pundits will get a 30-year case of the hiccups on their way to hell.”

“It’s blackmail, plain and simple,” said Randal L. Stephenson, the Chairman, CEO and President of AT&T. “And I’m not just saying that because I’ve had hiccups 10 out of the last 11 days. They’re blackmailing the public into—Hiccup!—damnit! That’s 11 out of 12! They’re just trumping up this—Hiccup!—cure so people will blow their money—Hiccup!—damnit! So people will blow their money on a company that—Hiccup!—still thinks the Internet is a fad.”

But Tud insists CommGlobalTeleVista is doing nothing more than practicing corporate responsibility, something, he says, more corporations—especially those within the telecommunications industry— should be embracing. “We learned our lesson five years ago when we released the CommGlobalTeleVista GT-5000 handset too soon. Who could have guessed they’d catch fire when coming in contact with sideburns? We’re not sharing our hiccups findings until we can test it some more. But, in case you’re wondering, you can purchase our stock anywhere—online, through a brokerage firm…hell, they might be available at Walmart by now.”

At day’s end, CommGlobalTeleVista’s stock price had dropped like post-menopausal breasts, down 0.11 to $10.09 per share.

For additional information about CommGlobalTeleVista’s hiccup cure, buy some shares in our company, and don’t be cheap about it. It’s only ten bucks—get hundreds and pass them out to your friends and relatives. It can’t keep going down forever, right? 

CommGlobalTeleVista is a global telecommunications corporation employing over 44,000 cynical employees in twenty-two offices on four continents, even though they only offer services on three. Claiming that buying its stock is as easy as catching an STD in a frat house, CommGlobalTeleVista owns and operates thousands of domestic, fiber optic miles that traverse the country in no particular form or fashion. CommGlobalTeleVista sells long distance and data service, cell phones, spotty wireless connectivity, pre-paid calling cards, meat byproducts, 1 1/2G service, soup-to-nuts animal sexing services, and now holds the key to making people’s lives more livable.

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