June 1, 2011

Hi shareholders, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, a company that’s currently trading at $9.07, which is better than all of the companies that are trading at less than that. 
    Damnit, why does the word “merger” have to have such negative connotations? Nothing’s wrong with a merger…isn’t that what some people call a marriage?  When drivers merge into another lane is that such a bad thing?  We all have to get on the highway, right?
    As our tagline says, “We’ll probably merge some more,” which should give you an idea how I feel about mergers. They’re fantantic! The amount of goodies you get is sensational, too. When we were about to merge with Sprint, I got over $3,000 in Sprint giveaways that they had collecting dust in a warehouse from several of their failed product launches. I still use the Sprint Beefsteak head covers when I play golf. 
    All of that aside, though, I can’t say that I’m on board with the upcoming merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. First of all, it will be your garden variety monopoly—and I know about monopolies. Remember, CommGlobalTeleVista is the company that tried—I’m sorry, was accused of trying—to corner the Iowa corn nut market. I know how it works, and, I’m tellin’ ya’, AT&T will have another monopoly on their hands. then the Justice Department will have break it all apart in a few years just like they did in the eighties when they made them spawn off all the baby bells. So why not just put an end to it here, Justice Department? Save yourself some time now and down the road, unless you’re trying to keep the workload funnel full.
    Secondly, have you seen that brunette T-Mobile has in their television ads?  She’s my dream come true, and I can say that because I’ve been married for over 20 years and my wife couldn’t care if I found baby ducklings sexy. She’s been engaged in her own set of mergers for the past couple of decades, if you know what I mean.
    But it really pisses me off that those saps at AT&T will probably get to hang out with the T-Mobile girl and have dinner and drinks with her. Our last merger resulted in me meeting Arnold Schwarzenegger at the California State Fair. And did you see that thing that broke up his marriage? Not exactly the T-Mobile girl. 
    If only we wouldn’t have lost over 75% of our market value in the past 5 years, then maybe I could’ve merged with her—I mean them. 
    Wall Street insists that the 75% has to do with our mergers, but I disagree; it was the product of a very poor economy and just plain bad luck. How could I have known ten years ago that buying the largest payphone company in the world was a bad idea? Other than AT&T, Sprint, Verizon, T-Mobile—and there might be a few more—who could have predicted that cell phones would be such a big damn deal?  
    And I still insist that purchasing TeleVista was a brilliant idea, just not at the right time. I still have the articles about their super fast, dial-up modem speeds. They won an award back in ‘99 for sending an entire copy of the Bible through one of their modems in under 48 hours! It doesn’t sound like much now, but at that time…Wow! Again, who would have thought you’d be able to one day get Internet service from your cable company? It’s all so confusing when you’re running a big technology company. Damnit, the phone company should give you phone service, and the cable company should give you your TV and porn. I hate all of this overlap. 
    And there are way too many numbers to remember, and I resent it. It’s really, really hard.
    But, still, what other job could allow a guy like me to have drinks and dinner with the T-Mobile girl? Well, I guess not my job, but that was more of a rhetorical question. 
    Keep dialing…but on our phone lines! 

       -Noble Tud, CEO, CommGlobalTeleVista