Washington, DC—Female legislators, both Democrats and Republicans, have finally had enough, the recent resignation of Democratic Tony Weiner—he tweeted a picture of his keezer to a teenaged, female follower—setting in motion their proposal of a new tax that would be levied against politicians for lewd behavior. Their discussions on the topic began in March of this year after Republican Senator John Ensign of Nevada resigned from office due to the discovery of extramarital affairs and ABBA songs on his iPod.

The proposed DAT (Dumb Ass Tax) Tax will penalize politicians for moronic behavior, and while it will cover a wide spectrum of indiscretions and be levied against men and women, Senate Ethics Committee chairman Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., is confident it will be imposed “close to 100 percent of the time due to the idiotic misuse of a man’s flippy.”

“This is long overdue,” she continued. “Schwarzenegger had sex with his housekeeper, (former Democratic presidential hopeful) John Edwards and (South Carolina governor) Mark Sanford screwed around on their wives and lied about it, President Clinton”—Boxer air quotes—”didn’t have sex with the chick in the beret; there’s Kilpatrick, Fosella, Dann, Gibbons—the list goes on and on. Really, these sex scandals are not that scandalous anymore. They’ve become way too common; you open the paper, read the weather forecast, the obits, and learn which politician is being a dumbass. But even if the shock value’s gone, we might as well generate some tax dollars from it.”

Several male politicans chimed in on the subject, all speaking on the condition of anonymity. ”I think the DAT Tax is offensive,” said one representative, “and will only serve to undermine the already paper-thin confidence our constituents have in us. When I’m caught having an affair, I should be given the opportunity to lie about it without having to worry about getting taxed on top of it. When I’ve already dragged my family through the mud, how do you think they’ll feel when I have to start selling assets to pay the tax? How do I explain to my kids that I had to unload our summer home because I’ve been labeled a dumbass by the government?

“Wait a minute—did I use the word ’when’ a couple of times in there?” 

“I’ll admit it,” said Boxer, “we’re all in this business for the power trip. And what person—or should I say man—wants power if he can’t get sex out of it, especially when it’s with a woman who’d otherwise be way out of his league? Unless, of course, you’re talking about [former Senator, R-Idaho] Larry Craig, who was looking for sex in an airport bathroom with a man who was out of his league.

“We [female politicians] don’t do it for sex, we just want to get seated quicker at restaurants.”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting