WASHINGTON, D.C.—In light of the proposed censure of Representative Charles Rangel (D-N.Y.) due to his spate of ethics violations, there are several House members pledging their support of a proposal that will add to their stable of punishments, which, along with censure, includes reprimands and expulsion.
Ohio Republican representative John Boehner, the frontrunner to become the 61st Speaker of the House when votes are cast on January 26th, isn’t satisfied with the punishments, especially because Rangel is a Democrat and Boehner didn’t understand what censure meant. “Apparently it doesn’t mean censor; I thought it meant that he’d never be able to speak again.
“And I didn’t know that our options to humiliate Rangel were so lame,” continued Boehner. “My son had two offsides penalties in a high school football game and the team stripped him naked, duct taped him to a wheelchair, and left him in the shower with the hot water running. If he’d have gotten a third penalty, there was talk of a box cutter sex change operation.
“But this dude is a representative! I know he’s 80-years-old, but that shouldn’t matter. If anything, that’ll work in our favor—he won’t be able to put up as much of a struggle.”
But until the House approves additional measures to reprimand representatives’ unseemly behavior, they only have three options from which to choose, which were agreed upon in 1850 after punishments were meted out based on the creativity of their peers. And after Merle Sheiman (D-Del.) suffered hearing loss after being stuffed into a trashcan and rolled down the 365 steps in front of the Capitol, the House decided something less permanent was in order. So they settled on three levels of punishment: reprimands, which is a public shunning, meaning the violator won’t be included in water cooler conversations about the previous day’s sporting events; censure, which is a formal reproach delivered in front of the House by a Thomas Jefferson impersonator; and expulsion, which not only terminates the offender’s position, but requires they exit—cardboard box containing their personal effects in tow—past a procession of their rubber band- and spit wad-shooting peers.
But Boehner, and at least 10 of his fellow representatives—most of whom are Republican—believes it’s time for a change. “Yep, it’s time, especially because Rangel’s a Democrat,” said Boehner. “I sure hope I can get enough votes to add these other punishments. Hell, if it wasn’t for his (Rangel’s) age, he probably would have thanked us for the punishment sometime down the road. For instance, when I was in student government in college, I was caught telling a girl that, because I was treasurer, I could get boob jobs approved for her and her sorority sisters. I was kicked out of office and her boyfriend knocked out most of my teeth, but, looking back, It was a good lesson. If it hadn’t happened, I probably wouldn’t still be in office today; I really have a thing for Nancy Pelosi—love the Italian broads; no telling what I would have promised her.”
So Boehner, who insists his days of promising free breast enhancement surgery are over, is already flexing his political muscles in the hopes he’ll be the next Speaker of the House. “Apparently we’ve got to keep expulsion, censure and reprimands,” said Boehner. “It took people—mainly the politicians—too long to learn what censure and the other lame-ass punishments meant. We can’t ask them to learn too much. But I’m proposing we add two more, one between expulsion and censure, the other coming after reprimands.
“Repulsion will come before expulsion, and, best of all, they rhyme—that was my idea. The offender will have to eat spaghetti while watching Ernest Borgnine eat steak without his dentures and while only wearing a Speedo. We haven’t worked that out with Borgnine’s people yet, but, really, what else could he have going on?
“Between reprimand and censure will be Reprimand II—I used up my snappy titles with Replusion. Anyway, it’ll require the Democrat—ah, I mean the guilty party—to pledge their support of The National Rifle Association and propose legislation to put Nixon on the five dollar bill.”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting
