SACRAMENTO, CA.—An unemployed Californian could probably care less as long as food’s on the table and a roof’s over their head, but their state’s debt load is spiraling out of control due in large part to the $40 million a day they’re borrowing from the federal government to cover the costs of unemployment benefits. But state legislators didn’t begin to take real notice until the government to which they ultimately answer began turning the collections screws, having grown tired of lending money when their own budget’s balancing is as likely as Stephen Hawking successfully traversing a tightrope stretched across Niagara Falls.

According to Max Baucus (D-Montana), the leader the United States Committee on Finance, getting anybody to pick up the phone in Sacramento [California capital city] has been “harder than prying an XBox controller from my son’s hand. [California] owes us a lot of bucks! I was very vocal about lending that much money to them, but I thought they were good for it. Now I’m fairly sure they’re dodging us. Everybody we call out there has a message on their phone that says, ‘California’s currently closed for repairs. We’re sorry for the inconvenience. We’re not try to dodge anybody, I swear. Please try again in early 2012.’

“Naturally, we started with the capital building,” continued Baucus, “but we’ve worked our way through the Yellow Pages. We’re now trying to get somebody from The Sacramento Zoo to pick up their phone. Same thing, just a message that the California is closed for repairs.”

According to Sacramentan Bob Smith, the alias for Denton Schrade, owner of Schrade’s Automotive, who thought he was responding to questions on the condition of anonymity, “Schwarzenegger came to our city council and chamber of commerce meetings and begged us to not answer phone calls from D.C., just to let those go to voicemail. I guess he—well, I guess it’s we—owes a lot of cash burgers to the federal government. I think he’s hoping they’ll give up, maybe just report California to the credit bureaus and move on, try to collect from another deadbeat state or country. I hear Nebraska borrowed $2 billion to build a mountain range down the center of the state so they could open up some ski slopes. Apparently only God can build a mountain range.”

But the calls have stopped for now, at least ones coming directly from Washington, D.C. The U.S. Senate approved a line item to employ Visa’s primary collection agency to go after The Golden State.

“I admit it, we’re not really equipped to handle collection calls,” said Senator Baucus. “I tried to get some interns to do it, but they’re as meek as newborn bunnies.” He grinned. “But as hot as…well…ahem…I guess I should stop there… Anyway, this company that works with Visa—they’re amazing, scary as hell. While they haven’t collected any money from California yet, I’ve heard them leave messages for Schwarzenegger questioning his manhood, the size of his…well, I guess I should… Anyway, they’ll get him to call back, and when they do, we won’t settle for anything less than a payment plan of $100 million a month. Or we’ll start demanding they turn over landmarks. I’d love to see the Golden Gate Bridge in Butte [Montana].”

“It’s a no-brainer they hired us,” said Jocco Frizzoli, the president of the Newark, New Jersey-based F & U Collection Agency. “You gotta’ problem, you go to the experts, and thaz us. We’ll get their money back like nobody’s bizness. We already made several ladies at the [California] capital cry on the phone, and that’s good business.

“And now that Pelosi’s out, we’ll start hitting her up after she moves back the land of fruits and nuts.” He giggled. “She’s already on an auto-dialer; after a month of getting 50 messages a day, she’ll beg that pencil-neck geek [California Governor-elect Jerry Brown] they elected to turn over the keys to Disneyland or Hollywood. After we’re done, the U.S. Government will own every sports team in the state. Imagine this: The United States Forty-Niners versus The United States Raiders at United States Stadium. And, of course, we’ll get our standard forty percent—or else!—share of the cut.”

But what most Americans don’t realize is that the federal government, like Frizzoli, will only be getting a share of the cut as well. Their sense of urgency was created by several of the countries—most notably China and Japan—from which the U.S. government has borrowed money over the past several years.

“The U.S. owe us big time,” said Xie Xuren, China’s Minister of Finance, in broken English. “But I can’t get Baucus or Obama to return calls; I get nothing but voicemails, some message that United States is closed for repairs and not to call back for a few years.  We wanted to renovate Great Wall, but putting indoor/outdoor carpet on top of 5,000-mile wall not cheap. We got 10% off coupon, but it still cost us over $800 billion.

“So we sift through IOUs poor countries give us, and one Obama give me last year said $1 trillion! If we get all that money from United States, we have enough money to add sconces on Wall too!

“But I no worry,” said Minister Xuren, smiling and wagging his finger. “We hire F & U Collections company to go after U.S. government. I hear they already make [Vice President] Biden cry on phone twice.”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting