ALEXANDRIA, VA.—It’s here again, election day, but the National Parent-Teacher Association (NPTA) hopes this will be the last without their hands-on involvement, intense scrutiny and proposed disciplinary measures.

The 103-year-old association, which helps to facilitate parental participation in public schools, has determined the best way to clean up the United State’s election process is for politicians to answer to them first. And only after the NPTA is satisfied with the candidate’s agenda and, more specifically, the ways in which they plan to disseminate that information to their constituents, can they begin to place advertising, engage in debates, and litter neighborhoods with unsightly election signs.

“It occurred to me while I was reviewing the disciplinary policies we provide to schools at the beginning of each year,” said Chuck Saylors, the NPTA’s first male president. “A radio commercial was on in the background, and I heard a gubernatorial candidate claim the incumbent was responsible for 9/11, global warming, and the fact that gum loses its flavor too fast. Then I started thinking about how people I know are so sick of the two-party system, of all the mediocre, cheesy candidates we have to choose from, and why everybody insists there needs to be a change, that the entire campaign process is just plain broken. Then it occurred to me.” Saylors smiled broadly and flicked the side of his head. “We’re electing children!”

On Monday, the NPTA issued its Ten Theses, a Martin Luther-esque reformation document tacked not to the door of a catholic church but to the forehead of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “Sure, it hurt,” said Pelosi, the gesture lost on her, “but I was happy a red pushpin was used. I ran out of them just last week.”

The Ten Theses outlines the boorish behavior candidates, both Republican and Democrat, stoop to in order to get elected to positions in which they usually have no interest. While the last several issues the Theses tackles involve the way candidates dress, their affected smiles, and their over-use of aerosol hairsprays and cosmetic surgery, the first two tackle what the NPTA daily addresses and guards against at schools throughout the country.

“The first two points,” said Saylors, “are the very things we talk to local PTAs about every single day. Numero uno addresses the despicable ways children—oops, I mean candidates—treat each other on a regular basis…and in front of thousands of people! At least the kids are only doing it at school. The candidates have enough money to do it on television and radio. One minute kids are watching an ad for sugary cereal, the next there’s a guy with plastered hair and a smarmy grin insisting that if his rival wins the election, everybody’s future will be played out in hell.

“The second point,” continued Saylors, “is this need to be liked, which leads the children—oops, there I go again…candidate—to say, do and be whatever they think will get them liked and accepted—oops, I mean elected. We see it in schools all the time, kids trying to be something they’re not, which leads them to tell so many lies they can no longer keep track of them. Eventually they’re found out, which causes disillusionment, anger, and overall distrust. In kids it can lead to depression, even suicide. With candidates it often leads to re-election, because there’s no better option.

“The whole election process makes it very hard on parents and teachers,” said Saylor. “The candidates represent a regression in maturity, something hard to explain when they’re supposed to be leaders. If I’m trying to tell Johnny you’re not supposed to bad-mouth somebody, then he sees his governor doing that very thing on TV, what are you supposed to tell him, that’s it’s good manners when you’re older? I found myself lying to my children, telling them the political ads weren’t for real, just time slots the stations gave to mentally ill citizens they felt sorry for. In 2004, I even told my son that [George W.] Bush wasn’t really the president but a character from Sesame Street named Marty the Merry Mortician.

Saylor was agitated. “And if Johnny’s supposed to be himself and not something he’s not, then he sees politicians champion a cause—even if they don’t agree with it—that their party supports because it has the dough he needs to get elected, isn’t that, well…phony?

“The politicians are really undermining a lot of what we’re trying to teach at school and at home. And it doesn’t stop there. I heard [Vice President] Biden has been shaking down interns for their lunch money. This is why my mailman is my write-in candidate for president every four years.”

The NPTA is also offering its expertise in an area about which they’ve become extremely knowledgeable in the last hundred years—discipline. Saylors’ newly created Political Disciplinary Committee has outlined its punishment guidelines should a candidate violate The Ten Theses while campaigning for office.

According to committee chairperson Evelyn Shroud, a librarian of thirty-five years whose salt and pepper hair is pulled back into an impossibly tight bun:  “At first we were thinking too much like teachers. For instance, we thought about putting them in the corner while the rest of the House or Senate placed their votes. We considered paddling, even though it’s no longer considered acceptable. I must admit, though, I’d love to take a shot at Arnold Schwarzenegger, try and beat that accent out of him.

“But we decided the punishment needed to not just fit the crime, but the politician. It’ll take a lot more work on our part, but we need to address each discretion, and its associated punishment, on a case-by-case basis..really hit the candidate where it hurts the most. For instance, the worst thing we could do to [Texas Governor] Rick Perry is ban his use of hair care products. It’d kill him. I wouldn’t be surprised if his real hair looks like a Troll doll’s.

Continued Shroud: “I wish we could have done this a few years ago. We could have required Larry Craig [U.S. Senator, Idaho] to only use port-a-potties at construction sites…and have to enter them bare-footed…and eat his lunch there.

“Or how about [2004, 2008 Presidential Candidate] John Edwards? We could have made him search for his soul.” Shroud looked up while gently stroking her faint, bleached mustache. “But that might have been too harsh. And I’m not sure it’s even possible.”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting