GOTHAM CITY—As the two ex-cons drove away with over $37,000 in cash and coins stolen they’d just stolen from a Brinks truck, the only thing one of the most renowned superheroes in the world could do was breathe their exhaust and try to memorize the plates on the stolen, midnight blue Mini-Cooper as it sped off into the night.

While clutching his right hamstring, Batman (aka The Caped Crusader) rolled around, tossing from side to side on his back in an oily puddle of alley water, there after stumbling on his long, black cape. And in a futile attempt to regain his balance, he extended his right leg farther than his 57-year-old body could support.

“I heard a snap,” said Batman after getting an MRI that supported what he already suspected—his right hamstring was torn, not merely strained. “It felt like the time Mr. Freeze hit me in the ear with that brick. What a weenie he was.

“But what I’d like to know is, Where the hell was Robin? I admit it all happened pretty fast, but when I looked back he was still talking to the street vendor and sprinkling onions on his hot dog.” He shook his head and grimaced. “It might be time for a change.”

They’ve been fighting crime for over 40 years, but Batman & Robin appear to be headed for a split, the Caped Crusader suggesting that Robin’s latest blunder might be his last. Having gained over 75 pounds in the past 20 years, Robin the Boy Wonder resembles neither a boy, nor the source of wonderment. And when Batman was sidelined with a torn retina in late 2009, Robin’s failure to thwart the simple armed robbery of a convenience store signaled a bellwether of things to come.

“I need somebody I can count on, somebody who will, at the very least, stay in shape,” said Batman. “His contract runs up in January [2011], but I doubt I’ll—I mean Mr. Wayne—will re-sign him. Things would have to really change for that to happen.”

Bruce Wayne, the curt, aging millionaire who recently revealed that he’s been footing the bill for Batman & Robin over the past four decades, concurs: “I can’t imagine keeping him, even in a consultant’s role. The economy’s hit me—I mean Batman—no, I mean…me—or is that…wait I’m confused. Oh, what the hell, who cares? The economy sucks, that’s all I’m sayin’. My mansion was foreclosed on. Batman’s running the bat cave out of a warehouse in the garment district.” He angrily spit at a passing bicycle courier. “Friggin’ Ponzi scheme!

“But we’ve been talking to this kid from Omaha, Nebraska, real corn-fed type. He’s supposed to be pretty strong, and he’s certainly in better shape than Robin. And I could get him for a third what I’m paying”—he flashed air quotes—“’The Boy Wonder’.

“His forty [yard-dash] time could use some work, but he’s white; I don’t think we’ll get much more out of him in that respect. Of course, we’ll probably have to change his name. Batman & Darnell doesn’t roll off your tongue. And his super power is seeing through farm animals. We’re not sure how that’ll translate in Gotham City, but you never know. I thought a man in spider tights climbing up buildings was a joke when I first heard about it. He’s done pretty well for himself.”

But Robin, who held an impromptu press conference on the steps of The Hall of Justice, appeared unfazed, and was unapologetic. He’s confident he’ll land on his feet. “I think my best years of crime fighting are ahead of me. I just ordered some of those acai berry supplements; they’re supposed to make you lose weight fast. And I’ve started a walking program.

“I can’t say that I’ve agreed with everything Batman’s done over the years, but I do wish him the best.” He giggled and playfully clutched his right leg, then mimicked his long-time partner. “’My leg, my leg!’ He does need to stretch before he goes chasing after cars.

“But it’s about time I fronted my own team. I hear there’s this kid from Omaha; sees through pigs.”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting