LOS ANGELES, CA.—With nothing close to the fanfare and subsequent accolades NBC’s hit comedy 30 Rock received for the live episode it aired on October 14th, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, another of the network’s shows, produced a live episode of their crime drama the night before.
“Wet”, which was the title of the Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’s episode that aired last Wednesday night, was supposed to be about a teenager with a squeaky clean image found dead in a fountain, then discovered to have ingested high levels of toxic mushrooms.
The show’s writers, excited about the original script they’d constructed and their role in the first, live crime show to air on network television, decided to celebrate—they thought fittingly—by ingesting handfuls of psychedelic mushrooms they found sprouting from cow manure in a nearby pasture.
“They changed the script,” said a visibly shaken Christopher Meloni, who portrays Detective Elliott Stabler on the show. “Earlier in the day, when I saw Lucky Smellen [the show’s head writer] giggling at his cigarette, then turn off the lights and make figure eights with it, a sick feeling washed over me.”
The show’s producers, eager to increase their floundering viewership, decided, only a week before the episode was set to air, that presenting the show live would provide a much needed ratings tonic. With little time to rehearse and memorize lines, cast members stole quick glances of dialogue on teleprompters scattered about the set.
Thirty minutes into the 40-minute episode, Meloni realized something was terribly wrong. “There was no murder,” he said, his head down. “They forgot the murder. There was no dead body, no crime of any type. I would have killed for a jaywalker at that point. It ended up being about a bunch of cops sitting around eating kolaches, talking about their favorite bands and how their parents don’t understand them. The last line of the show was, ‘Dude, I just saw Jesus take a beer from the refrigerator.’ Then they rolled the credits…then I threw up.”
“We might have made a mistake,” said Smellen, rubbing his temples and sipping black coffee. “I used to eat ‘schrooms in college before writing term papers. Too bad I didn’t remember all those papers really sucked. I thought they were fantastic when I was writing them, of course, but my judgment was a little off. I’d get them back with an “F” across the top and directions to the school psychologist’s office.”
But Los Angeles detective John S. Shaw, who watched the show while eating day-old kolaches left in the police station’s break room, said, “It’s about time they got it right. I’ll go days without getting assigned a case. And I’ve never worked with a smoking hot partner. Mine—Lennie over there—asks me to shave his back before swimsuit season. And he weighs in at just under 400 pounds.” Shaw held up a half-eaten kolache. “This job’s about eating fatty food, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, and waiting for a crime. Although, I must say, I’ve never had a conversation with my co-workers about staring into a mirror and seeing my face melt.”
What NBC or the show’s producers didn’t count on was the number of new, young viewers who tuned into a show that primarily attracts adults in the 35-54 age demographic. Thanks to Facebook, word of the show’s content spread throughout college campuses in minutes. By the time Meloni’s character uttered the line, “Have you ever looked closely at your thumb—I mean really closely—and realized you don’t recognize it?” just 20 minutes into the episode, NBC had more than doubled its average viewership for that time slot..
“I don’t understand it,” said NBC’s Senior Vice President of Programming Andy Snuff. “I can’t believe we’ve spent so much time and money trying to program Wednesday nights. I never imagined a show about cops tripping on psychedelics would work. Actually, I never even imagined a show about cops tripping on psychedelics. Who could? Unless, of course, you’re a writer tripping on psychedelics!
“Now our advertising department will have to re-focus their time and energy on reaching this new, strapped-for-cash demographic. Yippee,” he said sarcastically. “I think we’ll lose the drug manufacturers. I doubt they’ll want to be associated with anything that grows out of cow dung. But,” he added, brightening, “we’re approaching the medicinal marijuana folks. If they’ve got any kind of advertising budget, we’ll get it.”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting
