El Segundo, CA—The Mattel Corporation, the makers of the Barbie Doll, which celebrated its 51st birthday in March, has announced the next phase of life into which the once stunning, blonde bombshell will enter.
“I got the idea when my house was foreclosed on last October,” said Chet Lam, Mattel’s Senior Vice President of Marketing for their Toys Girls Emulate Division. “Even though I was making three quarters of a million dollars a year, me and the missus were living paycheck-to-paycheck. And when my 2% annual cost of living salary bump didn’t come through, I knew I was cooked. Hellooooo bankruptcy!
“I was sitting at my three-hundred-year-old Victorian desk I still owe over $75,000 on, and was staring at Fashion Fever Boutique Barbie sitting up there on the shelf, that stupid, ditzy grin on her face. She was holding her purse and those mini-Visa cards were spilling out of it. I thought, ‘The economy sucks, people are losing their jobs, why should Barbie shop and shop and not feel any consequences?’ And right there, between fifths of bourbon and a brief call to the suicide hotline, Bankrupt Barbie was born.”
Mattel will be marketing Bankrupt Barbie as an adjunct to their Fashion Fever Boutique Playset, which was a co-marketing venture with Visa. It was introduced to the marketplace in 2007 and lets girls shop for Barbie clothes with the Fashion Fever Visa debit card. Once the card reaches a $0 balance, it automatically resets itself and adds another $50 to Barbie’s account, allowing young shoppers to buy indefinitely and without consequences.
“I resent the notion that we’ve been teaching young girls that credit cards mean free money,” said Tom Shepard, Visa’s Senior Vice President of Marketing. “Everybody knows it only means free money until your parents will no longer foot the bill. But that day won’t come for another 10, maybe 20, years. Until then, you might as well stock up on goodies while your mom and dad still think you’re cute and have a promising future.
“But our co-marketing with Mattel is over!” said Shepard, pounding his fist on the four-hundred-year-old Victorian desk in his Manhattan office. “Our collections policies aren’t nearly as harsh as Mattel is making them out to be. That Carl in Collections doll they include with Bankrupt Barbie is infuriating. He’s wearing a shirt that says Viso, spelled with an O instead of an A. Come on! And the way he torments Barbie, leaving those messages for her… Trust me, if we ever caught a collections agent singing I’m A Loser over and over on a customer’s answering machine, we’d certainly put something in their HR file.”
Mattel is charging $99 for the Bankrupt Barbie Playset, and they’re currently taking orders on their website. They predict, based on sales to date, there will be a run on Bankrupt Barbie soon after Thanksgiving, and parents not purchasing her by then could inadvertently teach young girls the meaning of delayed gratification.
Along with Carl in Collections, the playset comes with an answering machine, allowing Barbie to screen her calls, fifty excuses she can give Carl in Collections to explain why a payment won’t be mailed that month, and a short, leather skirt to wear to the country club, which will help Barbie attract an eighty-year-old millionaire who can quickly erase her debt.
“Don’t let the hangdog look fool you,” said Lam, sadly, “I’m actually looking forward to this Christmas. But we—mainly me—really need Bankrupt Barbie to sell like crazy, be the second coming of that Cabbage Patch hysteria. And how ironic would that be, Bankrupt Barbie getting me out of bankruptcy?
“And, no, I don’t think this is negative marketing,” he continued, “it’s just a sign of the times. Things are tough out there, what with the economy, unemployment, executive bonuses getting cut… What’s wrong with teaching kids that life can be a real beating, that it’s not all cookies and trips to the candy store, especially when you start falling for those credit card offers? I’m still paying $15 a month for the lava lamp I bought in college with my first credit card.
“These are hard lessons to learn; why not teach them early on? But it’s not negative, it’s life. In fact,” he said, brightening, “if Bankrupt Barbie goes well, expect Ken to get a positive blood test in 2011.”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting
