NAIROBI, KENYA—“It’s been a long time coming,” stated Ned Bender, a 375-pound zebra and founder of AZaC, The African Zebra Coalition. “While I’ve been lucky enough to never actually lose a family member to a lion, I’ve watched nature shows for years; I’m sick of my striped brethren getting chased down some friggin’ member of the cat family, having their spinal column severed, then eaten by their kids.”
So Bender, who was born—and has lived exclusively—in the Nairobi Zoo, founded AZaC, which he hoped would unite zebras, provide anti-attack training, and offer credit cards with lower interest rates. But Bender quickly learned that signing up members was next to impossible. “I discovered that zebras out in the wild are, for the most part, idiots. I’m now somewhat embarrassed to be one. They ate most of the applications I distributed. I accidently ate some myself; I’m not so bright, either.”
But Bender was bright enough to understand one thing: antelopes are the big brains of the savanna, some completing up to five crossword puzzles daily, then passing them on to zebras, who promptly eat them.
“Antelopes are smart, but intelligence doesn’t really increase your speed,” said Bender. “We’ve got decent speed, but tend to eat things we don’t understand. In fact, we digest more paper than any other animal in the world. Unfortunately, we’re the only animal that digests paper intentionally.”
So Bender utilized the 0.02% of his brain reserved for original thought. He approached the United Antelope Workers (UAW) about forming an alliance against the cat family, who insist antelopes taste like chicken, and zebras like cole slaw.
“It’s rather embarrassing, having to link ourselves with zebras,” said Gloria Tud, the president of the UAW. “We’ve been hoping for an invitation to join forces with the wildebeests for years, but they’re damn fast. Trying to pin them down for a meeting is really hard. They eat loads of imported cocoa plants, then run ‘til they pass out or their hearts explode. They’re known for having severe addiction issues, you know. They’ll try and smoke anything; I saw one the other day roll a rock in Zig-Zag papers, then try and light it up.
“So I guess it’ll have to be AZaC,” continued Tud with a sigh. “We still haven’t decided what our partnership will look like, how we’ll turn lions from predator to prey. Marketing is forming a task force to tackle the issue, which means we probably won’t have a plan in place for, well…who knows? By the time they roll it out, we’ll probably have sprouted wings.”
But Tud and Bender are hopeful Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom will eventually be broadcasting scenes of lions getting chased, and running their asses off with a petrified look on their face. “It’s about time,” noted Bender, looking up from the Wall Street Journal he was devouring. “And I dream of the day when we can stop eating so much damn paper. This intense fiber consumption is hell on your colon; the gas is really tough on relationships.” He smiled. “And I’ve heard lions taste a lot like newsprint.” —Citizen Dick Arneson reporting
To learn more about corporations—and people…and animals—running amok, pick up your copy of the novel Citizen Dick at http://www.amazon.com/Citizen-Dick-Richard-Arneson/dp/0981939309/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276615151&sr=8-1[1].
A recent review in the Chicago Sun-Times called Citizen Dick “the kind of spontaneous, belly laugh-evoking funny that caused my wife to banish me from the living room until I was finished reading it.”
And don’t forget to visit http://www.citizendickthebook.com and check out the Dick Strips!
www.citizendickthebook.com | © Richard Arneson 2010
