OAK BROOK, ILLINOIS—Known by Madison Avenue as one of the most accomplished and slick marketers of all time, McDonald’s, the largest fast food chain on the planet, is not satisfied with simply laying claim to over 50,000 restaurants worldwide. While they continue to test market new menu items and link arms promotionally with complimentary, non-competing companies, McDonald’s announced that it will be co-branding with several of the leading companies in the most profitable industry in the world.
On Monday, McDonald’s announced its partnership with pharmaceutical companies Pfizer and Novartis, in the hopes that consumers will purchase fast food and medication under one roof.
“The idea came to me while I was choking down a McRib sandwich in San Diego,” said William “three thumbs” Turnerville, McDonald’s Senior Vice President of Food and Food Stuff. “These wild-ass kids were strewn all over the Playland, and I couldn’t help but wonder why their parents weren’t medicating them. Or at least giving them higher doses. And when this hyper little spawn of Satan with a ketchup mustache flung his hot apple pie in my face, I begged for the fast food gods to drop a bag full of Ritalin onto my lap.“
Continued Turnerville: “But as I discovered after coming up with the idea for the McBLT while awaiting my triple bypass operation, there’s usually a way to make lemonade from lemons. Unless you’re talking about our lemonade, which is made solely from preservatives and lemon-flavored phosphates that, from what I hear, glow in the dark.”
So Turnerville contacted Novartis, the manufacturer of Ritalin, the widely used, 25-year-old medication used to combat Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in children, and pitched them his idea—to include capsules of the drug with Happy Meals. Novartis jumped at the opportunity, its revenue having taken a 10-year hit after the FDA approved the manufacture and sales of generic substitutes.
“It was a no brainer,” said Novartis President and CEO Ed Skills. “I’ve taken my grandkids to McDonald’s. It’s wild, like trying to eat while standing on a red ant pile. You’re constantly swatting at your legs and trying to get these fat, runny-nosed kids away from your table.
“It’s the ideal promotion—McDonald’s gets more business, we sell more drugs, and the general public gets to coexist with less annoying kids. I dream of the day when I go into a McDonald’s and the kids are quietly doing crossword puzzles, their eyes lazily rolling around in their sockets.”
The only snag in the agreement the companies had to work out was Novartis’ insistence that McDonald’s restaurants introduce and promote an additional clown that, in their words, “complements Ronald McDonald beautifully.” Novartis’ marketing department spent over $1.6 million to create Ritalin Ray, a cowboy clown that soothingly states, “Settle down, settle down. Settle down or I’ll introduce you to your new foster parents.”
“We decided to meet them halfway, give in to some of their demands,” said Skills, still admittedly miffed by a compromise he believes Novartis met on the other side of halfway. “Now Ritalin Ray must always stand behind Ronald McDonald. And he’s a foot shorter, has tiny, little hands and a weak grip, and wheezes.”
McDonald’s is continuing to build on its co-branding brainchild, having just signed a deal with drug giant Pfizer, the maker of Lipitor, which reduces cholesterol levels and has the highest sales of any medication in the world. But both companies have agreed to cut out a step in the sales process. In November, McDonald’s will be mixing Lipitor into the hamburger meat they’ll use on menu items with two or more patties, allowing consumers to eat both what ails and fixes them at the same time.
“We’re all very excited,” said Turnerville. “We haven’t figured out how—or if—insurance companies will be involved. If you have to fill out paperwork and hassle with co-pays before you get your food, it probably can’t be considered fast food. But I do love the idea of pulling up to the drive-thru window and seeing the price of a Happy Meal at $45. Or somebody dropping $65 for a BigXtra with cheese.
“It opens up a whole new world for us,” continued Turnerville giddily. “And we just completed focus groups that uncovered something very interesting. We serve some—what they call—comfort foods. Apparently it’s what some people turn to when they’re down in the dumps. Bingo!” He clears his throat and does his best impersonation of a teenager. “‘Could I shake some Prozac into your hot apple pie today?’”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting
To learn more about corporations—and people—running amok, pick up your copy of the novel Citizen Dick at http://www.amazon.com/Citizen-Dick-Richard-Arneson/dp/0981939309/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276615151&sr=8-1[1].
A recent review in the Chicago Sun-Times called Citizen Dick “the kind of spontaneous, belly laugh-evoking funny that caused my wife to banish me from the living room until I was finished reading it.”
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www.citizendickthebook.com | © Richard Arneson 2010
