MONROE, LOUISIANA—On Monday, God, who was in town visiting his favorite beer, bait and bar-b-que shop, noted that creating mosquitoes probably wasn’t his best idea. He’d just spent the better part of two hours swatting at the little blood suckers, which made enjoying lunch as possible as Joran van der Sloot gaining entrance into Heaven.
“I must admit,” said God between bites from a six-inch pork rib, “that I didn’t totally think through my creation of the mosquito. It was late on the fifth day, I was set to create man the next day, and boy was I tired. The only thing on T.V. was infomercials, which is especially boring when you’re God and you already know none of the products actually help you lose weight or get rock hard abs. I wanted to create man after a good night’s sleep; I didn’t want to risk giving him a tail, or maybe forget to give him ears. Or put them on the bottom of his feet, somethin’ goofy like that.
“Anyhow, I was alarmed by the rate the rabbits were already procreating—it was embarrassing, really—so I thought I’d create a flying, disease-carrying creature that could thin out their population. But the next night, I noticed Adam covered with raised, red splotches and scratching like a mental patient on meth. I was afraid Eve wouldn’t give him a second look. But she looked as bad as he did. I couldn’t believe I’d invented such fidgety, spastic nimrods. But, upon closer inspection, I realized it was mosquitoes, who were multiplying faster than those filthy, perverted bunnies.
“It was the worst mistake I’d made since creating a previous version of man for another solar system, then placing his nose on his lower back, an inch from his butt. Oh,” giggled God, “and he had to unlock his privates for sex, but kept forgetting the combination. That race died out in less than a decade. A lotta’ laughs, though. Good times.”
But H. Fisk Johnson, the President and CEO of S.C. Johnson, the company that manufacturers OFF! repellent spray, is thrilled by God’s mistake. He insists, however, that had God’s late-night flub not taken place, his family’s hundred-year-old company would still have turned out as viable as it is today. “We’ve got some of the craftiest chemists in the industry,” said Johnson, whose complexion maintains a waxy, bug repellent sheen. “If he hadn’t come up with the mosquito, we’d have done fine. We’d be making repellent for other things, like spiders, chinch bugs, or insurance agents.”
But Johnson doesn’t feel Our Heavenly Father should be so hard on himself, at least when it comes to the mosquito. “I think there are certainly other things he could be beating himself up over,” said Johnson. “What about tobacco or poison ivy? Have you ever seen a Sylvester Stallone movie? And my half-baked, thirty-year-old kid has been smoking marijuana since the eighth grade. I caught him giggling at the T.V. test pattern the other day. Nice plant, God.”
“That’s very funny,” said God sarcastically after hearing Cohen’s comments. “He’ll be answering to them some day—if he’s lucky. And if he is, I’ve got several pictures of him wearing his wife’s clothes that’ll take some explaining.”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting
To learn more about corporations—and people—running amok, pick up your copy of the novel Citizen Dick at http://www.amazon.com/Citizen-Dick-Richard-Arneson/dp/0981939309/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276615151&sr=8-1[1].
A recent review in the Chicago Sun-Times called Citizen Dick “the kind of spontaneous, belly laugh-evoking funny that caused my wife to banish me from the living room until I was finished reading it.”
And don’t forget to visit http://www.citizendickthebook.com and check out the Dick Strips!
www.citizendickthebook.com | © Richard Arneson 2010
