WASHINGTON, D.C.—“I just can’t believe I’m sitting in front of you and talking about this,” said John Sheptor, the President and CEO of The Imperial Sugar Company, as he massaged his temples. “I understand the claims that we contribute to tooth decay, hyperactivity and the overall fatness of our chubby children. But I never imagined I’d be sitting here and talking about this.”
Sheptor was only halfway through six hours of questioning by the Senate Subcommittee on Interior, Environment, and Related Agencies, which was created, in part, to ensure that oil companies are acting in the best interest of the public, not getting too rich, and keeping big, leak-free corks on their off-shore oil rigs. He was subpoenaed to testify due to claims made by erstwhile BP chief Tony Hayward that Imperial Sugar was solely responsible for their April 2010 oil rig explosion and spill into the Gulf of Mexico. BP is insisting that Imperial Sugar should be the one footing the costs for the estimated $6 billion clean-up.
Hayward claims that, due to the inspirational messages Imperial Sugar prints on the back of their sugar packets, he didn’t properly act on his subordinates’ concerns that several of their off-shore oil rigs—including the aforementioned in the Gulf of Mexico—were about to “pop like sub oceanic zits.”
According to Hayward, “I dumped some of their sugar into my tea and noticed the printing on the back of the packet. It said ‘A weak man has doubts before a decision, a strong man has them afterwards.’ So as a strong man—I can bench-press my body weight, you know—I decided to make a decision then and there. I decided that spending over $500 million dollars to ensure our wells were properly capped wasn’t necessary, that we should be spending that money for things like executive bonuses, vending machines that dispense socks and underwear, and a new football pitch at our corporate headquarters—one with super green grass and no weeds or pebbles.
“If not for that bloody inspirational sugar, I’d still be our CEO and not working out of our Moscow office.” He rolled his eyes and feigned gagging. “It’s in a strip shopping center next to a dollar—excuse me, ruble—store.”
To help make their case, BP conscripted others outside its organization to testify on their behalf, each substantiating Hayward’s claim that Imperial Sugar’s little, white packets inspired them to make irrational decisions that led them down the wrong—and very expensive—path.
But Todd Wallow, Imperial Sugar’s Senior Vice President of Inspirational Packaging, was quick to point out that the claimants were either misinformed, lying, or had eaten way, way too much of his company’s product and must have dangerously high blood sugar levels. “Tiger Woods’ claim that he read ‘Just do it’ on one of our sugar packets prior to having dozens of affairs is ridiculous. We never printed that. He either read ‘A thrilling time is in your immediate future’ or ‘Women’s breasts are like martinis. One isn’t enough and three are too many.’ Very different.
“And Paris Hilton did not read ‘If you’re rich, cops won’t pull you over for an expired registration sticker’ on one of our packets of sugar,” said Wallow. “I believe ours said, ‘If you’re rich, cops won’t pull you over for an expired registration sticker provided you’ve got some talent or have contributed to society in a meaningful way.’” Wallow scratched his nose, looked up, and squinted. “It was either that or ‘Your heart is a place to draw true happiness.’ I get those two confused.”
But unfortunately for Imperial Sugar, 13 of the 16 members of the subcommittee eat most days in the executive lunchroom at The American Petroleum Institute (API), the chief lobbying organization for the oil and gas industry.
However, Senator Dianne Feinstein, the subcommittee’s chairperson, scoffs at the notion that her lunch plans might sway her opinions. “I think it’s ridiculous to assume that I can’t eat this scrumptious lunch they buy for me every day and objectively serve the needs and demands of my constituents,” said Feinstein. “But you can’t argue with the Chinese!” She pulled a tiny, crumpled piece of paper from her purse. “Just yesterday, I got this from a fortune cookie in the API lunchroom; it comes with their deep fried wontons—delicious! It says ‘Oil is goodie good good stuff. Make car go far and fast, not as dirty as you think. And never to blame for nothing.’” Feinstein removes her reading glasses. “Who the hell am I to question that?”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting
To learn more about corporations—and people—running amok, pick up your copy of the novel Citizen Dick at http://www.amazon.com/Citizen-Dick-Richard-Arneson/dp/0981939309/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276615151&sr=8-1[1].
A recent review in the Chicago Sun-Times called Citizen Dick “the kind of spontaneous, belly laugh-evoking funny that caused my wife to banish me from the living room until I was finished reading it.”
And don’t forget to visit http://www.citizendickthebook.com and check out the Dick Strips!
www.citizendickthebook.com | © Richard Arneson 2010
