Dick Strips, Airline Fees Up, Safety...Not So Much

Airline Fees Up, Safety…Not So Much

DALLAS, TX.—Even though the airline industry enjoyed over $2 billion in revenue last quarter from additional fees, such as checked baggage, paying for tickets by phone, and preferred seating, the major players—American, Continental, Delta, United, and US Airways—are still suffering from paper thin profit margins and floundering stock prices. So beginning in 2011, most of the major airlines will be creating a new revenue stream, their marketing ideas based on what consumer advocates insist is the same principle—playing on passengers’ fears.

“I vehemently disagree with the notion that the airlines are administering some form of extortion on passengers. We’re just charging a bonus for safety, plain and simple,” said a spokesperson for the International Air Transport Association, which represents, leads and serves the airline industry. “We’d like to see the industry enjoy an additional $20 billion in revenue next year from the new marketing strategies.”

The airlines will be categorizing their fleets into three categories, starting from oldest to newest. Conversely, they’ll be assigning pilots from youngest to oldest. So the oldest planes will be flown by the youngest, least experienced pilots. And, of course, those flights will receive the cheapest fares. Essentially, the cost of a flight will be determined by just how safe each passenger wants to feel while cruising at 30,000 feet. American Airlines is test marketing the strategy at D/FW Airport, their primary gateway to the Americas, and at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport, their gateway to Europe and Asia.

According to Ned Spencer, a shaky nineteen-year-old college student who flew American Airlines from Dallas to Chicago by utilizing one of their cheapest—and oldest—planes: “I totally agree with the dudes who think they’re trying to scare you into spending more money. The stewardess walked up and down the aisle before we took off saying ‘Are you sure you don’t want to upgrade for a hundred dollars?’ Then she pointed out the window at this dude who was putting duct tape all over the wings of our plane, then crossing himself and looking up.”

Another passenger, who selected the cheapest fare for her flight to Los Angeles, soiled herself when she saw her pilot enter the cockpit. “He looked just like that Chong guy from Cheech and Chong. When he walked past, it was like a wall of pot smoke hit me in the face. I begged the flight attendant to upgrade me to a better plane, but I only had $98 in my pocket. And she said her credit card machine was down, that the electronics and ‘communications stuff’ on the plane was on the fritz. Then I saw a rooster run up the aisle.”

“There’s no question we’re hurting financially,” said Gerard Arpey, the President and CEO of American Airlines, Inc. “We’ve never needed to be more creative than we do right now. Basing fares on the age of the planes and pilots was a no-brainer to sign off on. And it’s not extortion! It just depends on how lucky passengers feel when they book their flight, maybe how good they feel about their spirituality and a shot at an everlasting life—stuff like that.

“And this nonsense about trying to scare people into upgrading…” Arpey shakes his head. “Trust me, when we use duct tape, we use it because we need it. Did you know that we buy over $5 million worth of Gorilla Glue each year? Some of those planes are really old. The seat belts are terribly frayed, and, even if the oxygen masks did drop due to a loss of cabin pressure, most of them are dried and crumbly.

“But what I’m really excited about,” said Arpey, excitedly, grabbing handfuls of hair and stretching them from the sides of his head, “are the sponsorships and the co-marketing! The makers of Xanax will be sponsoring over 1,000 flights next year. And get this,” he said, giggling, “our pilots will steer into turbulence, maybe go into a nosedive for a few thousand feet. Then the flight attendants will walk through the cabin and sell Xanax, maybe relax everybody so much that they’ll buy more booze. Talk about a win-win. Well, except for the passengers, maybe.”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting

To learn more about corporations—and people—running amok, pick up your copy of the novel Citizen Dick at http://www.amazon.com/Citizen-Dick-Richard-Arneson/dp/0981939309/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276615151&sr=8-1[1].

A recent review in the Chicago Sun-Times called Citizen Dick “the kind of spontaneous, belly laugh-evoking funny that caused my wife to banish me from the living room until I was finished reading it.”

And don’t forget to visit http://www.citizendickthebook.com and check out the Dick Strips!