BEIJING, CHINA—Few things can stop air traffic over a city the size of Beijing, but last Monday something did, and the citizens of the most populated city in the world couldn’t have cared less about grounded jets, anchored helicopters, or parked biplanes that drag banners for topless clubs behind them. They were busy watching something else buzz the buildings and neighborhoods over their city of 17 million people, then speed off and disappear into the thick, northern sky.
 
What they collectively questioned was indeed confirmed — Beijing was visited by a UFO, its existence supported by a note found 30 miles north of town atop an extraterrestrial trash heap. It was written in an ancient, crude pidgin version of Mandarin, but sprinkled with several English words, including filthy, phlegm, and emphysema. There were also several references to singer Amy Winehouse.
 
“They were set to land outside a Wal-Mart,” said Lin Zhang, a professor of Ancient Language Studies at Beijing A&M, who’s that university’s expert on languages nobody cares about. “They couldn’t decide which one, though. There’s so many here now they’re starting to take over; they’re even running the small street vendors out of business, and now sell bacteria-laced tamales in front of their stores. Apparently the aliens have heard a lot about Wal-Mart, even on their planet 2.5 million miles away.”
 
The letter went on to state that the air around Beijing was so thick with pollution, the aliens had to change over 45 air filters while circling the city and looking for a store that hadn’t run out of Shake Weights and sideburn trimmers. But they only had two air filters left, just enough to ensure a safe return home, provided they didn’t fly over Los Angeles.
 
“We’re very disappointed,” wrote the captain of the UFO via Zhang‚s translation.” But the air here sucks. One of my 6 lungs collapsed. When I got home, the X-ray showed it was filled with soot, packing peanuts and cigarette butts. At first I felt bad about dumping our trash on your land, but, after I thought about it, was fairly certain you wouldn’t notice. We discarded the spent air filters, emptied the trash and vaccuumed the floor mats before the ride home. Oh, and made sure everybody went to the bathroom. We’re highly advanced but haven’t figured out how to install toilets onboard. Plumbing really messes with our heads. How in the world do you connect those pipes, then flush fresh water through them? It”s crazy!”
 
But Mi Li Ling, the mayor of Beijing, was quick to defend his city’s air quality, and wishes the aliens would mind their own business. “We’ve made great strides in cleaning up our air,” said Ling, breaking every few seconds to take long, deep drags off his respirator, which was attached to an oxygen tank the size of a torpedo. “They should have been here when I was a kid. We used to air surf on big, black waves of smog. If you wiped out and weren’t wearing a mask, you’d have to get your lungs dredged with a colander.
 
“But when the Olympics were here in 2008, the athletes were very complimentary of our city. Not the air quality so much, but the quality of the gimme bags we gave each contestant. We stuffed them with sinus medication and asthma inhalers. Oh, and Chinese cigarettes.”
 
Zhang was thrilled to point out that the aliens haven‚t totally given up on Earth, and are planning another trip here in early 2011. Wrote the spacecraft’s captain: “We’re all in agreement:  your planet could play a big role in the future of ours, which we still need to name. We‚re not good at giving things names, either. But if we don’t get help with our plumbing, Beijing could end up being a tourist destination. Our capital city “we really need to name it, too” is starting to smell like the port-a-potty we use back home at that park by that big river that‚s close to that mountain.” — Citizen Dick Arneson reporting.

Learn more about corporations—and people—running amok, pick up your copy of the novel Citizen Dick.
 
A recent review in the Chicago Sun-Times called Citizen Dick “the kind of spontaneous, belly laugh-evoking funny that caused my wife to banish me from the living room until I was finished reading it.”

And don’t forget to visit http://www.citizendickthebook.com and check out the Dick Strips!
 
 

www.citizendickthebook.com | © Richard Arneson 2010