CHICAGO—Talks have apparently broken down between Oprah Winfrey and God, and Winfrey’s attorneys, dissatisfied with what’s been offered by Our Heavenly Father, have pushed themselves away from the negotiations table, insisting they’ll take their demands elsewhere, should that exist.
Winfrey, who’s television network, OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network), will begin broadcasting on January 1st, 2011, contacted God in early 2010 after she decided, due to her uncanny, unprecedented 30-year winning streak, that she’d right out the good luck wave and see what else she could negotiate for, or purchase outright.
To date, God, who’s expressed concerns that Winfrey is getting too powerful, might have already sold her soul to the Devil, and “must be printing her own money,” has offered to let her be in charge of the weather, select the combatants in World War III, and obtain the rights to the next expansion team in Major League Soccer (MSL).
In their first go around, God offered Winfrey the Deed to Earth, an honorary, non-binding certificate he’s awarded to Bill Gates and Warren Buffet. According to John the Baptist, God’s spokesperson, “It’s like the key to the city. It looks cool, but it doesn’t really open anything.” He snickered. “We were going to give one to Tiger Woods in 2011, but that’s been put on hold. I’m not sure Tiger has the deed to his own house now.”
Winfrey’s demands, instead of edging toward compromising or conciliatory, have only increased in size and scope. Initially, she only wanted to negotiate her weight, which she demanded would remain, for eternity, at 120 lbs. But after discovering that her magazine, O, had just landed its two-millionth subscriber and is now in the black, she upped the ante.
“She wants to be the thirteenth Apostle,” said the Baptist, shaking his head. “And I just learned that she also wants her own solar system, automatic entry into Heaven, and calorie-free cheesecake. Oh, and a comet to be named later.
“She’s got quite a little coterie of attorneys working for her. We’ve never really dealt with attorneys—professionally speaking, that is. Come to think of it, we haven’t seen one up here since Clarence Darrow tried to edge his way in. Ever hear of The Scopes Monkey Trial, Clarence?” He chuckled at the thought. “Nope, you won’t be finding Mr. Darrow up here.”
“She’s getting too powerful,” he continues, shifting gears. “If we don’t draw a line in the sand, Stedman and Gayle will be writing gospels and hymns about her. She’ll probably make John Travolta a prophet.” He lowers his eyeglasses. “You wanna’ get fruitcake on her birthday, too?”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting
