GULF OF MEXICO—Reading from a prepared statement held atop BP’s badly-hemorrhaging oil platform in the Gulf of Mexico, Joseph Goebbels, Hitler’s former Minister of Propaganda and Satan’s current spokesperson, stated that Hell will not be interested in Joran van der Sloot, who’s murdered two young women in the past two years, after he’s shanked to death in a Peruvian prison. The statement was issued as Hell’s response to van der Sloot’s statement, made as he was led into the Lima jail, “I’ll see you in hell!”

      Stated Goebbels, “Adolf [Hitler] felt a little lucky to get into Hell, but, when compared to Joran van der Sloot, he was a shoe-in and had nothing to worry about.

      “This Dutch punk…well…he’s setting a whole new benchmark for evil, one even Satan isn’t comfortable with. Believe it or not, we do have standards. For example, Dennis Kozlowski [former Tyco CEO] and Bernie Madoff [defrauder of thousands of investors to the tune of over $300B] will probably have to apply twice, maybe three times.”

      Upon learning of van der Sloot’s extortion attempt of Natalee Holloway’s mother [that would disclose, for $200,000, the location of her daughter’s body], Satan rolled his eyes and uttered, “Heaven help us.”

      But that won’t come easy. Apparently Jesus Christ, who offers eternal life for anyone who accepts him as their Lord and Savior, is looking for loopholes that might prevent van der Sloot from gaining entrance into the Kingdom of God should he “see the light” via a prison conversion.

      “Apparently the Gospels were too well written,” Goebbels joked. “But that’s not really our concern, is it? We don’t deal in such silliness. We kinda’ make it all up as we go. It’s what makes being evil so damned convenient.”—Richard Arneson reporting