SILVER SPRING, MD—On the heels of one of The Discovery Channel’s most celebrated weeks of programming, PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, has decided to do whatever’s necessary to throw a spotlight on what they consider to be the network’s unethical treatment of sharks.
Shark Week, which The Discovery Channel airs each August, is a week-long, seemingly endless string of programs that focus solely on the sleek, boneless fish. While the network claims it attempt to vary its approach to shark programming, the vast majority of Shark Week examines—in excruciating detail—hundreds of shark attack tales.
And that’s exactly why PETA is up in arms. Says PETA co-founder and president Ingrid Newkirk, “We’re very unhappy with the treatment The Discovery Channel has given—and continues to give—to sharks. Every time I flip to that channel, there’s somebody laying on the beach with a dangling, bloody nub. I guess we need to remind The Discovery Channel that people are invading the shark’s home, not the other way around.
“How about some programs that talk about the good things sharks do for us…and on a regular basis? They could fill an entire month with shows about their positive…stuff. For instance, they…well…I read something somewhere that talks about…err, ah…I’ll defer to that government study that was done on sharks. I know there was tons of good, positive stuff in there.” She grins uncomfortably. “Unfortunately, I don’t have a copy of it on me.”
Completed in June of 2009, the United States government extended a $37.5 million grant to Texas A&M University at Corpus Christi to substantiate Newkirk’s claim and identify the ways in which human beings benefit from sharks.
“They basically suck,” stated Dr. Erwin Correlea, the head of the school’s marine biology department and the grant’s sole trustee. “They’re jerks, plain and simple. The Hitlers of the ocean. They don’t do one damn good thing for humans. They even taste like crap. Shark fin soup? Hah! I’d rather drink my own urine.
“And while I only spent half of the grant money on the study,” continues Correlea while awaiting clearance at Key West International Airport in his Learjet 85, “there was no need to continue pouring good money after bad. We had all the information we needed. Sharks bad, other fish…O.K…I guess. Especially,” he says, laughing, “the ones you can dip in melted butter.”
But PETA’s not giving up, and have offered The Discovery Channel what they’re confident will sway the network and further their own mission to portray animals as beautiful creatures from which humans solely benefit—eighteen hours of free, pre-produced programming they believe will supplant Shark Week.
“Ladybug Week?!” growled The Discovery Channel’s Vice President of Program Development Elli Hakami. “That’s not a week, it’s a show. Hell, it’s not even a show, it’s 3 sentences in Wikipedia! But if you can train a thousand of them suckers to nibble off a surfer’s arm, give me a call.”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting
