WASHINGTON, D.C.—The United States Department of Agriculture, which holds itself responsible for the ongoing evaluation and maintenance of The Food Pyramid, has announced changes to it just three months after updating its recommendations to include oils, those derived from fish, nuts and vegetables.
Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack announced on Monday the replacement of the pyramid with The Food Rhombus, which will, along with grains, vegetables, fruit, dairy, meat and beans, still include oil, but those that are petroleum-based. Vegetable, nut and fish oil has been shoved under the heading “Miscellaneous/Other Stuff You Need.”
“It brings me some…I mean, great…pleasure, to introduce The Food Rhombus,” said Vilsack, reading from a prepared statement. Continued the self-avowed geometry nut: “There’s been a lot of speculation that the inclusion of a…ahem…fourth corner to the pyramid has something to do with the $5 billion infusion BP has given to several of the sweet, sugary cereal makers. I would address that now, but my phone should be ringing shortly. Must go…”
The $5 billion, divided equally between Kellogg, Post, Quaker Oats and General Mills, represented erstwhile BP chief Tony Hayward’s last pen stroke, something he considers a stroke of genius. “When I heard oil was part of that silly pyramid, I knew I needed to act, given that other little mess we were in,” said Hayward slyly from his new office on the outskirts of Moscow. “And what better way to say ‘Sorry ‘bout the spillage’ than aligning ourselves with the crap those fat, little Yank lads stuff their mouths with. And for $5 billion, we should get our own bloody corner. Mind you, I was happy with The Food Rectangle; Vilsack came up with the rhombus.
“Now we simply cross-promote our gasoline with cereal, give Yanks more reasons to buy the stuff. And maybe you get a gallon…make that half agallon…of gas with a few dozen box tops. Let marketing figure out the details. All I know is, we’re now part of a rhombus,” he said, giggling.
Jack Gerard, the CEO and President of the American Petroleum Institute (API), the primary trade association and lobbyist for the oil and gas industry, hopes that parents and children don’t misunderstand the inclusion of petroleum products to The Food Rhombus. “I think everybody knows you can’t—or at least shouldn’t—eat or drink oil, much less sludge, of any kind. Although,” he continues, scratching his chin, “I’m not so sure you couldn’t cook in it. Hell, they deep fry Snickers bars and Coke. I heard they’re going to deep fry Prozac at the Iowa State Fair this year. And you think they change that oil? I’d rather drink milk from a used oil filter than eat that stuff.”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting
