MIAMI, FLORIDA—As if buying the 3rd largest fast food chain in the United States didn’t shake up the industry enough, BG Capital, the new owners of Burger King, have already decided to stir the pot and take the company in several new directions.

After the deal was inked for $4 billion, Joanie Battdarfen, BG Capital’s President and CEO, was quick to point out that several initiatives were already in the works, one of which involved the The Burger King, the life-sized, waxy character Advertising Age magazine labeled “the creepiest spokesperson of 2009, followed by Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads.”

“As a woman and long time feminist,” said Battdarfen, “I find The Burger King utterly distasteful, even threatening, especially to women or small, feminine men with tiny little hands who couldn’t defend themselves against a Teletubby. And I’d love to remove that silly grin from the king’s face with a pick axe. I can’t wait to tell him he’s fired, then strip him of his robe and official Home of the Whopper boxer shorts.”

But the most noteworthy change for Burger King will threaten 56 years of advertising and billions of dollars in brand equity.

“We’ve decided the name needed to be updated,” continued Battdarfen. “In the 50’s, when the company was started, the name Burger King might have seemed like a good idea. But so did sexist, poorly named shows like Father Knows Best; they obviously never met my old man.But the name Burger King is antiquated, especially when you consider that over 65% of fast food purchases are made by mothers for their pudgy little kids.

“It’s for this reason that we’ve changed the name from Burger King to Burger Royalty, which is inclusive of females and lower ranking royalty, like dukes, princes and other male hangers-on who’ve never worked a day in their lives.”

Battdarfen said that BG Capital considered the name Burger Queen, but, even though it tested well with focus groups in San Francisco and Key West, doing so was too extreme, too similar to Dairy Queen.

Aside from the name change, several menu items will undergo facelifts, primarily to their titles. The Whopper, which Battdarfen feels might be offensive to overweight women, will now be known as Your Family Jewels. And french fries will be referred to as Deep Fried Scepters.

BP Capital has already purchased commercial time during the 2011 Super Bowl, during which they’ll publically kick-off their new image and branding in a 60-second commercial that’s rumored to include a courtroom trial and the subsequent beheading of The Burger King.

According to Schlomo Dill, the President and CEO of The Fast Food Association of America, “We’re not totally on board with changing the Burger King name. But beheading The Burger King rocks! For months, my kids would see him in their nightmares, then slide into bed with me and my trophy wife. He’s a walking, muted menace. I’d love to wipe that silly grin off his face with a tire iron.

“And now The Whopper’s gone! Good God! They’re the best; my cholesterol number can attest to that. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to drive up and tell some pimply-faced 16-year-old, ‘I’d like My Family Jewels cooked well done.’”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting