June 2011
14 posts
CommGlobalTeleVista Press Release
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE CONTACT: Roderick Nerberger, III CommGlobalTeleVista 214-289-7729 littlerod.nerberger@commglobaltelevista.com http://www.commglobaltelevista.com CommGlobalTeleVista Seething Over AT&T/T-Mobile Merger, Threatens to Hire More Athletic Employees Dallas, Texas — April 11, 2011 — CommGlobalTeleVista announced today its plans to fight “tooth and...
The Boardroom Blog...of a lame duck,...
April 19, 2011
Hey, folks, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, the company that was so cruelly protrayed in some idiot’s novel entitled Citizen Dick. Don’t buy it—he attacks me in the book, as well, but claims his using of my name, title, and exact physical description was purely a coincidence. Anyway, my nephew Clarence came over to the house a couple of weeks...
The Boardroom Blog...of a lame duck,...
April 26, 2011
Hey, folks, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, the company that was so cruelly protrayed in some idiot’s novel entitled Citizen Dick. Don’t buy it—he attacks me in the book, as well, but claims his use of my name, title, and exact physical description was purely a coincidence. I’m not sure I believe him. As most of you know, we recently changed...
The Boardroom Blog...of a lame duck,...
My apologies for some of the formatting issues on the last couple of blogs; again, I’m new to the world of blog, so I’ve asked my lovely executive secretary Jeannine to do the actual posting of it. And I’ve told her to feel free and correct any errors, which has been her primary role for a quarter of a decade. She’s good like that.
I’d like to go on record, provided a blog is considered “on...
CommGlobalTeleVista Press Release
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE CONTACT: Roderick Nerberger, III CommGlobalTeleVista 214-289-7729 littlerod.nerberger@commglobaltelevista.com http://www.commglobaltelevista.com CommGlobalTeleVista To Offer New Service At Retail Locations Dallas, Texas — April 28, 2011 — CommGlobalTeleVista, the 5th largest telecommunications corporation in the United States that was featured in...
The Boardroom Blog...of a lame duck,...
May 3, 2011
Hi shareholders, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, the best company—and an even better telecommunications company—in the world…if that makes sense. I, like I’m sure most of you, was thrilled to see that the United States military successfully took down Obama Bin Laden* over the weekend. It just goes to prove that, in the end, justice does prevail, as I’m...
The Boardroom Blog...of a lame duck,...
May 10th
Hi shareholders, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, a company that’s currently trading at $9.07, which is better than all of the companies that are trading at less than that. ”White with what?!” I asked. So over the weekend I’m at a Texas Rangers baseball game (I’m a Phillies fan—Wharton School grad and all) and they trot...
"The Biggest Loser" Takes On Different Meaning
Los Angeles, CA—It’s inarguably one of the most successful reality shows since its genre was introduced in 1992 by Rennie “Sneaky Phil” Rapp, whose show Who’s Missing Their Kidneys? helped launch the Fox Network, but NBC’s The Biggest Loser will have to finish this season—its fifth—without two of its contestants, who are currently overeating in the Orange...
CommGlobalTeleVista Press Release
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE CONTACT: Roderick Nerberger, III CommGlobalTeleVista 214-289-7729 littlerod.nerberger@commglobaltelevista.com http://www.commglobaltelevista.com CommGlobalTeleVista Finds Cure, Needs More Money To Complete Testing, Share With Public Dallas, Texas — May 20, 2011 — CommGlobalTeleVista, the 5th largest telecommunications corporation in the United States...
The Boardroom Blog...of a lame duck,...
June 1, 2011
Hi shareholders, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, a company that’s currently trading at $9.07, which is better than all of the companies that are trading at less than that. Damnit, why does the word “merger” have to have such negative connotations? Nothing’s wrong with a merger…isn’t that what some people call a marriage? When...
CommGlobalTeleVista Press Release
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE CONTACT: Roderick Nerberger, III CommGlobalTeleVista 214-289-7729 littlerod.nerberger@commglobaltelevista.com http://www.commglobaltelevista.com CommGlobalTeleVista Given Best Transitional Career Move Award By National Human Resources Association Dallas, Texas — May 30, 2011 — CommGlobalTeleVista, the 5th largest telecommunications corporation in the...
CommGlobalTeleVista Press Release
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE CONTACT: Roderick Nerberger, III CommGlobalTeleVista 214-289-7729 littlerod.nerberger@commglobaltelevista.com http://www.commglobaltelevista.com CommGlobalTeleVista Announces Lower Payroll, Sponorship of Boys & Girls Club of Greater Dallas Dallas, Texas — July 14, 2011 — CommGlobalTeleVista, the 5th largest telecommunications corporation in the...
The Boardroom Blog...of a lame duck,...
June 15, 2011
Hi shareholders, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, a company that’s stock price hasn’t dropped so much as a penny in the last 48 hours. When I was a kid, I really wanted a three-wheeled bike, one with a basket on the back. I was really into being able to carry my stuff with me, and even imagined that I could sell fruits and vegetables out of it. But...
Proposed DAT Tax To Target Male Politicos
Washington, DC—Female legislators, both Democrats and Republicans, have finally had enough, the recent resignation of Democratic Tony Weiner—he tweeted a picture of his keezer to a teenaged, female follower—setting in motion their proposal of a new tax that would be levied against politicians for lewd behavior. Their discussions on the topic began in March of this year after Republican Senator...
December 2010
11 posts
WikiLeaks' Assange: "Byte Man? Ooooh, I'm so...
SCRANTON, PENNSYLVANIA—It’s been over 13 years since the U.S. government and the United Superheroes Union (USU) has had an agreement in place, but President Obama is feeling more pressure than any of his predecessors to move those negotiations along, which have entered week 785.
Not since Compound Fracture Man disconnected his right leg at the tendons, then clubbed a bank robber with his...
Will & Kate Plus...Zero?
LONDON, ENGLAND—They’ve had to wait almost 30 years for the event, but Great Britain is now gearing up for another royal wedding, this one for Prince William of Wales, the 28-year-old son of the last bride, Diana, Princess of Wales, who died in a 1995 automobile accident.
Kate Middleton, the bride to be who will be known as Her Royal Highness Catherine of Wales upon taking her nuptial vows on...
Rankel’s Censure Rankles Boehner
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In light of the proposed censure of Representative Charles Rangel (D-N.Y.) due to his spate of ethics violations, there are several House members pledging their support of a proposal that will add to their stable of punishments, which, along with censure, includes reprimands and expulsion.
Ohio Republican representative John Boehner, the frontrunner to become the 61st Speaker of...
Senator Baucus to California: "Anybody home?"
SACRAMENTO, CA.—An unemployed Californian could probably care less as long as food’s on the table and a roof’s over their head, but their state’s debt load is spiraling out of control due in large part to the $40 million a day they’re borrowing from the federal government to cover the costs of unemployment benefits. But state legislators didn’t begin to take real notice until the government to...
Off The Grid and Onto The Wheel
CASTROVILLE, CA.—On average, they weigh about 6 ounces and grow to a length of 4 inches, but Chuckie Swill saw them as enormous sources of power and energy and what he hoped would land him enough money to pay off his house, retire early, and buy a bass boat or two. But what Swill didn’t bank on was the enormous source of power and energy a huge corporation can generate once it catches a whiff of...
Toyota Encouraged By Its Own Ineptitude
TOKYO, JAPAN — Toyota, which has come under intense scrutiny for its sundry recalls in the past two years, has switched its corporate direction gears twice in the last month, and is now, according to Satoshi Ozawa, Executive Vice President of its Boxy Designs Division, fully committed to maintaining its position as the biggest automaker in the world.
After three different sets of recalls in 2009...
NPTA Prez: "We're electing children!"
ALEXANDRIA, VA.—It’s here again, election day, but the National Parent-Teacher Association (NPTA) hopes this will be the last without their hands-on involvement, intense scrutiny and proposed disciplinary measures.
The 103-year-old association, which helps to facilitate parental participation in public schools, has determined the best way to clean up the United State’s election process is for...
Actors Learn New Meaning to the Word "Cut"
HOLLYWOOD, CA.—In its latest attempt to bolster ratings and revenue, TLC, one of the many cable networks successfully producing a wide variety of reality shows, has made its mark on the genre by featuring one of two things: celebrities in rehab, or the day-to-day operations of hospital emergency rooms. So on Monday, November 1st , the network will premiere Celebrity ER, its latest creation that...
Super Hamstrung
GOTHAM CITY—As the two ex-cons drove away with over $37,000 in cash and coins stolen they’d just stolen from a Brinks truck, the only thing one of the most renowned superheroes in the world could do was breathe their exhaust and try to memorize the plates on the stolen, midnight blue Mini-Cooper as it sped off into the night.
While clutching his right hamstring, Batman (aka The Caped Crusader)...
No Crime, No Problem
LOS ANGELES, CA.—With nothing close to the fanfare and subsequent accolades NBC’s hit comedy 30 Rock received for the live episode it aired on October 14th, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, another of the network’s shows, produced a live episode of their crime drama the night before.
“Wet”, which was the title of the Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’s episode that aired last Wednesday...
Barbie: "Why won't my phone stop ringing?"
El Segundo, CA—The Mattel Corporation, the makers of the Barbie Doll, which celebrated its 51st birthday in March, has announced the next phase of life into which the once stunning, blonde bombshell will enter.
“I got the idea when my house was foreclosed on last October,” said Chet Lam, Mattel’s Senior Vice President of Marketing for their Toys Girls Emulate Division. “Even though I was making...
October 2010
9 posts
19 Kids and (Please Stop) Counting
LOS ANGELES, CA—Due to spiraling production costs and stagnant advertising revenue, two of the top cable television networks—TLC and Animal Planet—have decided to combine two of their most popular programs into one, confident the shows will complement each other, and, in many cases, be hard to distinguish between.
19 Kids & Counting, the TLC program that chronicles the lives of Arkansas’...
Zebras, Antelopes Tired of Victimization
NAIROBI, KENYA—“It’s been a long time coming,” stated Ned Bender, a 375-pound zebra and founder of AZaC, The African Zebra Coalition. “While I’ve been lucky enough to never actually lose a family member to a lion, I’ve watched nature shows for years; I’m sick of my striped brethren getting chased down some friggin’ member of the cat family, having their spinal column severed, then eaten by their...
Fast Food the Perfect Prescription?
OAK BROOK, ILLINOIS—Known by Madison Avenue as one of the most accomplished and slick marketers of all time, McDonald’s, the largest fast food chain on the planet, is not satisfied with simply laying claim to over 50,000 restaurants worldwide. While they continue to test market new menu items and link arms promotionally with complimentary, non-competing companies, McDonald’s announced that it will...
God: "I wasn't thinking clearly..."
MONROE, LOUISIANA—On Monday, God, who was in town visiting his favorite beer, bait and bar-b-que shop, noted that creating mosquitoes probably wasn’t his best idea. He’d just spent the better part of two hours swatting at the little blood suckers, which made enjoying lunch as possible as Joran van der Sloot gaining entrance into Heaven.
“I must admit,” said God between bites from a six-inch pork...
Oil, Sugar Don't Mix
WASHINGTON, D.C.—“I just can’t believe I’m sitting in front of you and talking about this,” said John Sheptor, the President and CEO of The Imperial Sugar Company, as he massaged his temples. “I understand the claims that we contribute to tooth decay, hyperactivity and the overall fatness of our chubby children. But I never imagined I’d be sitting here and talking about this.”
Sheptor was only...
OnStar Saves Lives, Parents
DETROIT, MI—As if saving lives and keeping motorists safe wasn’t enough, OnStar, the leading provider of telematics (transmission of data communications between systems and devices) services in the United States, will not only link vehicles with the OnStar Center for safety purposes, but, beginning in 2011, will assist parents when and where they need it most.
According to Chris Preuss, the...
Airline Fees Up, Safety...Not So Much
DALLAS, TX.—Even though the airline industry enjoyed over $2 billion in revenue last quarter from additional fees, such as checked baggage, paying for tickets by phone, and preferred seating, the major players—American, Continental, Delta, United, and US Airways—are still suffering from paper thin profit margins and floundering stock prices.
So beginning in 2011, most of the major airlines will...
Golden State Blown To Sea
Sacramento, CA—They’ve been in use for over 30 years, and have, in that time, generated over 10 percent of the electricity used in the state of California. But wind turbines, which have proven to be a cost effective and environmentally sound means of generating AC power, will be costing the taxpayers of California over $35 billion in 2011—or, more specifically, in August of 2011.
The powerful,...
Another One Bites (and inhales) the Dust
BEIJING, CHINA—Few things can stop air traffic over a city the size of Beijing, but last Monday something did, and the citizens of the most populated city in the world couldn’t have cared less about grounded jets, anchored helicopters, or parked biplanes that drag banners for topless clubs behind them. They were busy watching something else buzz the buildings and neighborhoods over...
September 2010
12 posts
God, Oprah Negotiations Stalled
CHICAGO—Talks have apparently broken down between Oprah Winfrey and God, and Winfrey’s attorneys, dissatisfied with what’s been offered by Our Heavenly Father, have pushed themselves away from the negotiations table, insisting they’ll take their demands elsewhere, should that exist.
Winfrey, who’s television network, OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network), will begin broadcasting on January 1st, 2011,...
Hell Disses Dutch Delinquent, Cites Standards,...
GULF OF MEXICO—Reading from a prepared statement held atop BP’s badly-hemorrhaging oil platform in the Gulf of Mexico, Joseph Goebbels, Hitler’s former Minister of Propaganda and Satan’s current spokesperson, stated that Hell will not be interested in Joran van der Sloot, who’s murdered two young women in the past two years, after he’s shanked to death in a Peruvian prison. The statement was...
The King Manages Decision, Mismanages Clock
GREENWICH, CONNECTICUT—As announced last night to a national television audience, the Miami Heat have captured Lebron James, the Golden Goose of basketball, a six-time all star, two-time MVP of the league, and zero-time NBA champion.
But, unexpectedly, the announcement left a sick rumbling in the pit of Heat President Pat Riley’s stomach.
Once Riley saw how James handled the clock, the Heat coach...
Neimans Introduces New CEO, Fried Foods
DALLAS –Just 5 months after being named CEO of Neiman Marcus, Karen Katz, who has been with the company for 25 years, announced that she’ll need a raise or be forced to moonlight, which, she says, “Would probably cut into my CEO-ing time.”
Katz was ecstatic upon being named to the Neiman Marcus top spot, but was distraught upon learning that her $1.5M-a-year appointment still doesn’t afford her...
BP Yanks Hayward, Replaces With Yank
LONDON—Less than 48 hours from throwing him a Going Away Party at the Piccadilly Circus Chuck E. Cheese, BP decided to hang on to their erstwhile, embattled CEO Tony Hayward, offering him a position in Russia overseeing the development of an underwater pipeline network for the English oil behemoth he ran just days ago.
Hayward, who’s set to maintain his board position until November, will be...
MATH GENIUS SOLVES PROBLEM, GETS DUPED BY DECIMALS
ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA—Few outside of the mathematics teaching profession had ever heard of the U.S. Clay Mathematics Institute prior to three weeks ago, but the organization garnered international headlines when, after offering a $1 million prize to a Russian mathematician for solving a 100-year-old math problem, the money was turned down.
Dr. Grigory Perelman, a former mathematics professor who...
Whale Wars An Ironic Hit in Japan
PACIFIC OCEAN—Even though their fellow countrymen are the targets of each week’s episode, Japan has a new favorite television show, which is produced in the United States and airs here every Friday night from 9-10PM eastern/pacific time on Animal Planet.
Whale Wars, which chronicles the seafaring adventures of the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society—sixty American and Australian activists...
PETA Peeved By Shark Week's Negativity
SILVER SPRING, MD—On the heels of one of The Discovery Channel’s most celebrated weeks of programming, PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, has decided to do whatever’s necessary to throw a spotlight on what they consider to be the network’s unethical treatment of sharks.
Shark Week, which The Discovery Channel airs each August, is a week-long, seemingly endless string of...
Food Pyramid Changes Shape
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The United States Department of Agriculture, which holds itself responsible for the ongoing evaluation and maintenance of The Food Pyramid, has announced changes to it just three months after updating its recommendations to include oils, those derived from fish, nuts and vegetables.
Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack announced on Monday the replacement of the pyramid with The...
Wiggle Wobbles, Falls Down, Sues
HUNTSVILLE, TX—Tenison Scribner and his children’s musical group, The Flaming Grabadoras, landed the gig eighteen months ago, their first since getting run out of Waco’s Cameron Park Zoo two months earlier after an incident involving a zebra, thirteen bags of cotton candy, and a latex Spider-Man costume.
And even though it only pays in free soft drinks and all-you-can-eat popcorn, Scribner, a...
Even a Caveman Can Lose It
LOS ANGELES, CA—There was a time when Ben Weber could get a table at a trendy restaurant anywhere, anytime, but that’s been several years ago, his hot streak ending in 2007, the year his television show was cancelled after just four episodes.
Weber, who, alongside Jeff Daniel Phillips, portrayed one of the urbane cavemen in the longstanding Geico television commercial campaign, spends less time...
The Burger King Dethroned, Overall Creepiness...
MIAMI, FLORIDA—As if buying the 3rd largest fast food chain in the United States didn’t shake up the industry enough, BG Capital, the new owners of Burger King, have already decided to stir the pot and take the company in several new directions.
After the deal was inked for $4 billion, Joanie Battdarfen, BG Capital’s President and CEO, was quick to point out that several initiatives were already...
July 2010
8 posts
BP Apologizes Before Congress, Suggests Oil Spill...
WASHINGTON—BP head Tony Hayward apologized before lawmakers on Thursday, taking it on the chin for over two hours before stating that the firm’s $20B in escrow for clean-up wasn’t the worst—or best—idea he’d ever had.
But once Rep. Henry Waxman (D-California) got finished, the BP chief, obviously alarmed that Americans would elect someone who so closely resembles a ferret, brightly...
Wrench Thrown Into BP’s “Cap” Plans
NEW ORLEANS – After BP’s robotic submarine accidently popped the cap off their gushing oil well a mile deep in the Gulf of Mexico two weeks ago, the world’s 6th largest oil company decided to give the cap another try on Monday.
With the cap securely in place, BP began tests on Tuesday to ensure the cap would stanch the mucky spillage, which, in the past three months, has sent an estimated 4.5...
Math Genius Solves Problem, Gets Duped By Decimals
ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA—Few outside of the mathematics teaching profession had ever heard of the U.S. Clay Mathematics Institute prior to three weeks ago, but the organization garnered international headlines when, after offering a $1 million prize to a Russian mathematician for solving a 100-year-old math problem, the money was turned down.
Dr. Grigory Perelman, a former mathematics professor who...
Neimans Introduces New CEO, Fried Foods
DALLAS –Just 5 months after being named CEO of Neiman Marcus, Karen Katz, who has been with the company for 25 years, announced that she’ll need a raise or be forced to moonlight, which, she says, “Would probably cut into my CEO-ing time.”
Katz was ecstatic upon being named to the Neiman Marcus top spot, but was distraught upon learning that her $1.5M-a-year appointment still doesn’t afford her...