FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT:
Roderick Nerberger, III
CommGlobalTeleVista
214-289-7729
littlerod.nerberger@commglobaltelevista.com
http://www.commglobaltelevista.com
CommGlobalTeleVista Seething Over AT&T/T-Mobile Merger, Threatens to Hire More Athletic Employees
Dallas, Texas — April 11, 2011 — CommGlobalTeleVista announced today its plans to fight “tooth and nail” the pending merger between AT&T and T-Mobile, which, according to many industry insiders, could be approved by the Department of Justice as early as December.
“You want to talk about unfair,” said Noble Tud, CommGlobalTeleVista’s Chief Executive Officer. “We’re just getting ready to roll out our 2G service, and these guys are already on their fourth G. If they’re not going to play fair, we might just skip the 3rd and 4th G and go straight to 5G. Or maybe we’ll roll out Double G. Then Double G squared…really put it out of reach.
“And AT&T was already too damn big anyhow; now they’re gonna’ be huge. And if they get to compete as one team with T-Mobile during this year’s Telecommunciations Olympics, we’ll start hiring track stars and professional bowlers, and people who are really, really good at the three-legged race and egg toss.”
According to Herb Lyler, a former telecommunciations executive who now blogs daily about the industry on his website, http://ipraymykidsdontgointotelecommunications.com/, “CommGlobalTeleVista got into the wireless marketplace way too late. I don’t know if you recall, but Noble Tud said—I believe it was in the late 90s—that ‘only the top 1 percent of wage earners will ever be able to afford a cell phone. We would [CommGlobalTeleVista] rather spend our time, energy and money on something the public really needs, like pre-paid calling cards.’”
At day’s end, CommGlobalTeleVista’s stock price was down 0.13 to $10.20 per share.
For additional information about CommGlobalTeleVista’s participationg in the 15th Annual Telecommunciations Olympics, go to www.commglobaltelevista.com and look for pictures of fat, white men in athletic shorts and hawaiian shirts trying to balance eggs on the end of a spoon.
CommGlobalTeleVista is a global telecommunications corporation employing over 44,000 cynical employees in twenty-two offices on four continents, even though they only offer services on three. Claiming to have the most beneficial benefits of any other company in the telecommunications industry, CommGlobalTeleVista owns and operates thousands of domestic, fiber optic miles that traverse the country in no particular form or fashion. CommGlobalTeleVista sells long distance and data service, cell phones, spotty wireless connectivity, pre-paid calling cards, meat byproducts, sea salt, and, if there’s a god of telecommunications, Double G service by 2012..
- END -
April 19, 2011
Hey, folks, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, the company that was so cruelly protrayed in some idiot’s novel entitled Citizen Dick. Don’t buy it—he attacks me in the book, as well, but claims his using of my name, title, and exact physical description was purely a coincidence.
Anyway, my nephew Clarence came over to the house a couple of weeks ago and asked to stay with me for a few days. He promptly stuffed a towel under the bedroom door, and told me he needed some time alone. Then he came out seversl hours later and emptied my pantry of Twinkies and potatoe chips.
Later that night, he suggested that I write something on a regular basis, something that, according to him, would let the public—especially CommGlobalTeleVista customers and investors—know that I’m up with the times, that I understand what’s going on out there in cyberspace, especially when a lot of our revenue comes from connecting people to the Internet. This type of writing is, in case you don’t know, what the kids these days are calling a blog. And I thought Wow, I’ve written a blog for years and didn’t even know it. Let me explain.
Every Thursday for as long as I can remember, I eat lunch at the club, then drink my dessert, about 8 to 15 ounces worth. Oftentimes, I’ll have even more servings of dessert than that. Then I go back to the office—the dessert usually runs right through me—-and end up sitting at my regular spot, the last stall on the right in the executive washroom. You’re probably wondering why a CEO with a Fortune 1,000 (used to be 500) company doesn’t have his own bathroom. I’m glad you asked. I do have my own bathroom, but for the past five years I’ve used it for something else. I love building models—-of cars, planes, boats, US and British presidents, and re-creations of some of the world’s biggest natural disasters. I have an exact replica of Godzilla attacking downtown Tokyo! I’m not sure if that’s considered a natural disaster, but a big lizard breathing fire is fantastic.
But my models take up the entire bathroom, so I’m going to try to have a bunch of extra space added to it, but getting that expense past the board and auditors might be tough. But, of course, that’s why I hired Kent Battdarfen, my CFO. He’s too neat for my tastes, but very crafty, and claims to have found over 20 loopholes in the Declaration of Independence. Now he’s taking a red pen to the Ten Commandments. When he’s done, I’ll bet there are at least two we don’t have to worry about anymore. Maybe we’ll call them The Eight Commandments and Two Tips. I pray Kent finds fault with the coveting your neighbor’s wife one. Not that it’s stopped me to date. I’m not sure there’s a neighbor—-female, that is-—I haven’t coveted a time or two. Even the lady who lives behind us caught my eye one day, and she could quite possibly be a man. And if she is, then, yes, I’ve coveted a male neighbor, too.
Yep, I’d rather use the last stall on the right. I don’t want to give up my models. When I need a break-—usually between 10 and 3—-I’ll duck into my “model” room and work on my latest disaster, which is based on the hair plugs I got about a month ago. They removed some of my back hair and re-planted them in my head, but the back hair grew back thicker and darker and the plugs fell out within a week, dry and shriveled as if I needed to water them but didn’t.
So, anyway, I like to hit the last stall on the right and do one of three things-—my “business”, practice the harmonica, or write about whatever’s on my mind. This was a suggestion from a psychologist friend—-I wasn’t a patient, I swear—-who said that the best way to work out “issues” is to get them down on paper. So every Thursday for the past 10 years, I’ve been writing a blog and didn’t even know it. I’ll continue to publish it, this blog of mine. It feels good to be a member of the cutting edge of technology.
Keep dialing…but on our phone lines!
—Noble Tud, CEO, CommGlobalTeleVista
April 26, 2011
Hey, folks, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, the company that was so cruelly protrayed in some idiot’s novel entitled Citizen Dick. Don’t buy it—he attacks me in the book, as well, but claims his use of my name, title, and exact physical description was purely a coincidence. I’m not sure I believe him.
As most of you know, we recently changed part of our logo at CommGlobalTeleVista. We put in the tagline “We’ll probably merge some more”, changing it from “Customer Service First.” I didn’t like that one, of course, because Service and First didn’t rhyme. If it could have been “Customer Birst First” or “Customer Service…” Well, I can’t think of anything that rhymes with Service, but you get the point. And, well, I can’t honestly say that customer service is first at CommGlobalTeleVista. A lot of companies say that, but, honestly, it’s really about the stock price. If that’s not our first priority, then, well…we’re all out a lot of money, especially all of you who’ve decided—and rightly so—that CommGlobalTeleVista is the right company to put your money into. Nothing makes me happier when somebody walks up to me and says, “You know, it’s because of your company that I can afford to buy a new bass boat”, or “It’s because of you that a person that looks like me can get a girl that looks like that.” Actually that’s never happened, but I intend to change that. Although somebody did come up to me on the street one day and ask for directions to the nearest Hooters, but that really doesn’t have anything to do with our stock price. Oh, yeah, that’s right…somebody did thank me for our stock price when it was in the mid-twenties, but that’s been awhile. And he didn’t buy a bass boat with the money he gained by investing in CommGlobalTelevista. Actually, I’m not sure he invested in anything. Please God, let him have sold it back then. Not that I recommend ever selling our stock. Of course, in his case, it would have been wise considering we’re now under $12 per share. But, as I always say—-or like I’ve said since it got below $14-—that’s better than being under $10. And now that I think about, that guy probably did sell his stock when it was in the twenties. He was with his wife—-I’m assuming it was his wife-—and she was as big as a house. I didn’t ask, but I’m hoping—-for his and her sake—-that she had a crouton in the old microwave. And if she did, I bet he sold our stock, because nothing can siphon a checkbook like a sticky little crumb snatcher. And if she was fat AND pregnant, she probably gave birth to a kid that ate a lot. Which, of course, would have meant that selling our stock was necessary; I’m guessing it was necessary because he didn’t look that bright, and I’m guessing he didn’t have that good of a job, at least not one good enough to afford taking care of a fat and pregnant wife and a future fat kid. I hope he had a lot our stock and sold it. And that’s really what CommGlobalTeleVista is all about—-making dreams come true by helping to feed and nurture children. I wouldn’t be surprised if you see something about that when we change our logo down the road. CommGlobalTeleVista—we feed and nurture children. NOBODY in the telecommunications industry can lay claim to that.
Keep dialing…but on our phone lines!
- Noble Tud, CEO, CommGlobalTeleVista
My apologies for some of the formatting issues on the last couple of blogs; again, I’m new to the world of blog, so I’ve asked my lovely executive secretary Jeannine to do the actual posting of it. And I’ve told her to feel free and correct any errors, which has been her primary role for a quarter of a decade. She’s good like that. I’d like to go on record, provided a blog is considered “on record”, by stating that I don’t have a prison fetish, as was so erroneously mentioned time and again in Citizen Dick. The book claims that I built a huge prison cell in the basement of my house, primarily because I was preparing for the next stage of my life. That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows prison cells aren’t huge—they’re tiny, around 6 by 9 feet, unless you’re talking about administrative segregation (AdSeg), which is generally limited to cells no longer than 9 feet, unless you’re in a federal penitentiary, which, by law, has to be at least 9 feet long. I only made mine slightly larger to make room for a cappuccino machine I bought in Italy. It’s 7 x 10 to be exact. The cell, not the machine. And on that note, I really do like Johnny Cash. He hasn’t played in town for several years, but, when he does, I’ll be the first one to have our marketing department get me good tickets, maybe rent out a corporate box with a stocked mini-fridge.* You know, Johnny was into prisons. He wrote that song where he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. That’s good stuff. While I consider myself a bit of a wordsmith (I used to write poetry to Jeannine back when we were in college together (I dated her for years…dynamite broad, but a bit hippy these days))*—I probably would have used Sheboygan instead of Reno, which doesn’t have the same ring to it. Sheboygan sticks out in my head because I got my ass kicked there in summer camp, and if you asked me, “Who would you like to shoot just to watch him die?”, I’d pick Chuckie Swill, that red-headed squirrel. He also peed on my radio, and when I told his dad about it during parents’ week, his old man said, “I bet it gets piss-poor reception now,” and laughed like a madman. I’d probably shoot his dad second. Keep dialing…but on our phone lines! -Noble Tud, CEO, CommGlobalTeleVista * Jeannine Note: Johnny Cash died years ago.
** Jeannine Note: He dated me, I used him, but only needed to for two semesters. Since then, I’ve worked as his executive secretary for 25 years, and currently have the 10th highest salary at CommGlobalTeleVista. Yep, it’s worked out pretty well.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT:
Roderick Nerberger, III
CommGlobalTeleVista
214-289-7729
littlerod.nerberger@commglobaltelevista.com
http://www.commglobaltelevista.com
CommGlobalTeleVista To Offer New Service At Retail Locations
Dallas, Texas — April 28, 2011 — CommGlobalTeleVista, the 5th largest telecommunications corporation in the United States that was featured in Richard Arneson’s novel Citizen Dick, announced today that in June each of its 2,500 retail locations will offer a service to complement its 2010 entry into the domesticated animal marketplace (last year, the company sold over 2,275 pet calendars that featured dogs, cats and parrots posing with CommGlobalTeleVista’s wireless products.)
“I’ve had this idea for as long as I can remember,” said Noble Tud, CommGlobalTeleVista’s CEO, ”but I’ve been waiting for the right time to share it with the public. Or, for that matter, with anybody. And once our stock price snuck up—or down, I guess—on $10 per share, I decided this was the perfect time.”
So CommGlobalTeleVista will offer—at all of its retail locations—what most in the telecommunications industry consider nothing more than a desperate attempt to gain cheap publicity for a company that’s lost over 75% of its value in the past twelve quarters and, many contend, still thinks the Internet is a fad.
“Along with offering the finest wireless devices in the industry, we’ll also be sexing animals of all sorts and types,” said Tud without a hint of embarrassment, contrition, or remorse. “When I was fighting for my life at a Connecticut prep school in the late 60’s, I had a 12-inch gecko that I kept in my dungarees. I called him Merv. And even though I had it for over 10 years, I never knew whether Merv was really a Merv. And that makes cuddling very uncomfortable. And after I took in a turtle with no discernible privates last year, I decided that one day I’d open up a a store that did nothing but sex animals. There’re a few folks in our call center I’d like to send in for a good sexing, as well.”
So along with selling and servicing wireless devices, CommGlobalTeleVista retail personnel will be responsible for turning over animals of all types and “routing around” to determine whether or not they should be living in pink or blue vivariums.
Said Rickie Snell, a CommGlobalTeleVista store manager from El Paso, Texas: “I’ve recently been through the most disturbing training in my 20-plus years in the wireless industry. I feel filthy, but after sexing everything from corn snakes to salamanders—including the mandatory sexing of my district manager Raul for one really uncomfortable late night training session—I’m confident we’ll be successful sexers for CommGlobalTeleVista. Sure, some of my staff seemed to enjoy the training too much, but, in my opinion, that should translate into more sales. And once you’ve sexed something that violently doesn’t want to be sexed, selling cell phones should be a breeze. I like the direction Mr. Tud’s taking us in. He’s pretty bright, I guess.”
At day’s end, CommGlobalTeleVista’s stock price was down 0.13 to $10.20 per share.
For additional information about CommGlobalTeleVista’s new sexing service, go to www.commglobaltelevista.com and type “sexing” into the search line, then hope the request gets through your company’s firewall and doesn’t end up in the hands of Human Resources.
CommGlobalTeleVista is a global telecommunications corporation employing over 44,000 cynical employees in twenty-two offices on four continents, even though they only offer services on three. Claiming to have the first sexing division in the telecommunications industry, CommGlobalTeleVista owns and operates thousands of domestic, fiber optic miles that traverse the country in no particular form or fashion. CommGlobalTeleVista sells long distance and data service, cell phones, spotty wireless connectivity, pre-paid calling cards, meat byproducts, 1 1/2G service, and soup-to-nuts sexing services.
- END -
May 3, 2011
Hi shareholders, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, the best company—and an even better telecommunications company—in the world…if that makes sense.
I, like I’m sure most of you, was thrilled to see that the United States military successfully took down Obama Bin Laden* over the weekend. It just goes to prove that, in the end, justice does prevail, as I’m sure will happen once my attorney presents my phone records and tax filings in court next week.
And it reminded me of something that happened at CommGlobalTeleVista about eight years ago, only weeks after I was released from CEO camp.** It was reported in a novel called Citizen Dick, a piece of trash that is, in my opinion, little more than bound toilet paper. And I feel pretty sure the idea was dreamed up and implemented by the book’s author, who I pray*** is reading this from a penitentiary, a mean one where the inmates aren’t particularly honest and sincere and will hurt his feelings on a daily basis.
If you remember, back in the early 2000s there were trading cards with the head terrorist honchos on them, and people used to collect and trade them. I think Obama**** was probably the ace of spades, and, like, the two of hearts was some blind, hairy, Muslim cleric in Michigan. I actually had several Obama***** cards, but, I’d like to go on record that I collected them because I liked his lustrous beard. The towel always covered his head, but his hair was probably just as nice, and I’m sure it would look great on my head.
So this Arneson numbskull puts out these playing cards, but instead of terrorists he puts different CEOs’ pictures on them, all of them ones who went on to prison. Or, in my case, CEO camp. Now if that wasn’t insulting enough, Arneson assigns me the three of clubs, a known crappy card. Nobody likes getting a club, everybody knows that, even if it’s an ace. But to assign me a low number that’s also a club is really disheartening. I went to the Wharton School after all—I’m an Ivy leaguer for God’s sake. So people started to trade the cards online, and you’d need about 50 Noble Tud cards to get one Kenneth Lay card. And you needed over a hundred Tuds to get one Dennis Kozlowski! I met Kozlowski at the CEO camp and he was balder than me! And not even that bright—he expensed a shower curtain that was worth over $6,000. That’s insane. When I expensed a door knob for $5,000, it had gold inlay and never touched any filthy bath water. What an idiot. And he was in charge of Tyco, which makes toy trains if memory serves me.
I just got a knock on the door, and I can tell it’s Jeannine. She has lovely hands; even her door knocks sound beautiful. It’s 10:15 and I have a 9:30 meeting; she’s probably going to make me go to it. I heard there’s an auditor lurking around here somewhere. Thank God I had the doorknob installed at my house.
Keep dialing…but on our phone lines!
-Noble Tud, CEO, CommGlobalTeleVista
* Jeannine Note: Noble still calls Bin Laden Obama, and the president Osama, even when using it with his first name—Barack Osama.
** Jeannine Note: It was the Vacaville State Correctional Facility.
*** Jeannine Note: Ironic he used the word because he’s either atheist or agnostic, but doesn’t know which because he doesn’t know the difference.
**** Jeannine Note: See first note above.
***** Jeannine Note: Please tell me you didn’t have to refer to this note.
May 10th
Hi shareholders, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, a company that’s currently trading at $9.07, which is better than all of the companies that are trading at less than that.
”White with what?!” I asked.
So over the weekend I’m at a Texas Rangers baseball game (I’m a Phillies fan—Wharton School grad and all) and they trot some hick out during the seventh inning stretch to sing God Bless America. Now, granted, I’m on my fifth (possibly eighth or ninth) gin martini (of course we’re in the CommGlobalTeleVista suite…no beer and nachos there. God bless our marketing department), so I might not have raised quite a stink over it otherwise, but I’m singing along to this country & western yodeler and, like every toothless drunk in the cheap seats, sing, “to the mountains, to the prairies, to the oceans, hmmm hmmm hmmm.”
Nobody knows what comes next. So I turn to this freshly scrubbed attendant named Ned who was standing next to me and ask him what the hell that line is. And he tells me something that almost made me crack him over the head with, ironically, my big, oversized foam finger.
“White with what?!”
”That’s right,” he says. “It’s ’white with foam.’”
”No, no, no. We wouldn’t put foam in a song like that!”
I turned to the person to my right, a guy who’s responsible for about $10 million a year of revenue for CommGlobalTeleVista. He, like me, is bald as hell, but damn he’s well built. If I wasn’t married—and the incredibly manly man I am—I’d ask him out to dinner and a movie, a PG-13 one.
Anyway, he agrees with Ned The Server, that foam is in one of our most beloved songs.
Let me tell you a little bit about foam. First of all, I went to a party in Greenwich Village several years ago after what I’m certain was the ingestion of a well-placed mickey. So I wake up, check the time (my watch was gone), and find myself dancing with a cowboy named Rooter (maybe Rootie or Root’n Toot’n, I don’t remember) who was wearing nothing but chaps and a cowboy hat. I mean nothing but chaps and hat. And, get this, we were standing, then dancing, in foam. More foam than you’ve ever seen in your life. And the lights were going on and off, and on and off, and this music was sending thrilling, pulsating shock waves up and down my body. Even the hair on my back was standing on end. And there’s Rooty, knee deep in foam that was coming up from the floor and floating down from the ceiling. It was a ball, really, but something I’d never do again…or admit anywhere other than on the Internet, where, from what I’ve been told, nobody who’s under 30-years-old ventures onto. And they’re not really the CommGlobalTeleVista stockholders, are they?
Rooty aside, as I’m listening to God Bless America at the ballgame after finding out that it contains the word foam, I start to get real irritated, to the point that I ordered several more drinks. My father, who was in World War II fighting for our freedom and the right to have crummy, dead-end corporate jobs when the war was over, would be appalled to learn that he could’ve lost his life defending a country that would put foam in the lyrics of a patriotic song. We might as well put cotton candy in The National Anthem; or Vaseline in America the Beautiful. Form is perverted. Foam isn’t befitting a country that has a 13-1 war record. I sure wouldn’t want to defend people that sing about foam at baseball games. And for the rest of my life, whenever I hear God Bless America all be able to envision is a chiseled, naked cowboy.
So, for that reason, I’ve sent several re-write recommendations to the Osama* White House, and I’m sure he’ll give them the consideration they deserve. After all, CommGlobalTeleVista gave over $750,000 to the Democratic Party via our political action committee.**
So here they are—”white with foam” should be changed to one of the following…
1. Please phone home;
2. Polish my dome;
3. My son’s a clone;
4. I’d like a cone; or
5. Stroka’ me bone (my favorite…I sing it with a pirate accent).
I should be hearing back from him within the next 24 hours, possibly sooner. But until those words get changed, please, please don’t sing white with foam. Do what I’ve done for years—hum that part. My dearly departed father didn’t spend three years guarding the Carolina coast so Americans could sing about foam.
And thanks once again to my lovely secretary*** Jeannine, who’s responsible for getting these out. Incidentally, she looks lovely today, and I’ve never seen her feet and toes looking any better.****
Keep dialing…but on our phone lines!
-Noble Tud, CEO, CommGlobalTeleVista
* Jeannine Note: Noble still calls Bin Laden Obama, and the president Osama, even when using it with his first name—Barack Osama.
** Jeannine Note: CommGlobalTeleVista gave over $3.2 million to the Republican Party, and accidently sent a check $325,000 to the Whig and Communist Paries.
***Jeannine Note: EXECUTIVE Secretary is my title.
****Jeannine Note: Yep, he has a foot fetish…but my feet do look fabulous.
Los Angeles, CA—It’s inarguably one of the most successful reality shows since its genre was introduced in 1992 by Rennie “Sneaky Phil” Rapp, whose show Who’s Missing Their Kidneys? helped launch the Fox Network, but NBC’s The Biggest Loser will have to finish this season—its fifth—without two of its contestants, who are currently overeating in the Orange County (CA.) jail in lieu of bond.
The Biggest Loser, which pits grossly overweight contestants against each other in a team format to determine who can lose the most weight and survive the show’s trainers—baleful Jillian Michaels and the loafer-light Bob Harper—has been a surprising revenue windfall for NBC, attracting ironic advertisers such as Coca-Cola, Hostess snack cakes, Aunt Jemima syrup, and Trojan condoms. But this season has been marred by several controversies, including the discovery of a bathroom scale that was off by 35 pounds, brown rice that had been soaked in high-fat emu oil, and an ice cream vendor who keistered Nutty Buddies into the red team’s cabana each afternoon.
Then, on April 29th, Michaels and Harper didn’t show up for the show’s taping. Producers and contestants were shocked by their absence, primarily because that day’s agenda—humiliating contestant weigh-ins in Speedos and bikinis—was the trainers’ favorite. But producers decided to proceed as scheduled, then edit in Michaels’ and Harper’s insults, gasps and admonishments once they resurfaced.
“I wasn’t concerned for their safety,” said 469-pound contestant Manny Felcher, regarding the trainers’ absence, “because I think they’re both spawns of Satan. When I found out they didn’t show up that day, I was thrilled. It felt like the day I learned Pizza Hut, KFC and Taco Bell could all be bought under one roof.”
When blue team contestants Renee Harlingensen and Huey Ho stepped on the scale that day, even God gasped when their combined weight gain totalled 275 pounds, astonishing considering it occurred in just three days.
“I got a call from my nephew Sonny, who works on the show,” said Los Angeles homicide detective Rory Felsch. “He’s the skinny kid who spritzes Michaels’ face and tells her, ‘No, you’re not gaining weight, and you never will.’
“He was screaming into the phone and laughing hysterically, telling me She’s gone, she’s gone, and nobody can find her! I’ve never heard him so happy. Then he tells me the other trainer’s gone, too, and that he’s going to start going back to church, that there might be a God after all, that the devil has finally called his children home.
“So the next day I hear on the radio that these two fatties on the show gained 275 pounds between them, and that the trainers are still missing. I look up Michaels and Harper on the Internet, go to their web sites, spend 30 minutes or so on Michaels’ swimsuit photo shoot page, and it hits me: two hellish, patronizing trainers go missing, and two obese contestants, who are really hungry and tired of wearing swimsuits on camera, decide to do away with them. So they kill two birds with one stone; they eat ‘em.”
But Harlingensen and Ho insist they’re innocent, that their collective weight gain being identical to Michaels’ and Harper’s combined weight is merely a coincidence.
“These charges are absurd,” insisted Ho during a recent jailhouse interview. “To suggest that I’d eat a trainer is silly and grotesque. Have you seen them? There isn’t a piece of fat there; it would be like eating a table leg. Saying that I’d eat something, or somebody, like that is like saying I couldn’t select the right cut of meat. If I was going to eat anybody, it’d be the host of the show. She goes about a buck-fifty, and has thick, meaty thighs and wings.
“But if I was to eat them Michaels and Harper,” said Ho, smiling, “I’d surely wash them down with a nice chianti.”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT:
Roderick Nerberger, III
CommGlobalTeleVista
214-289-7729
littlerod.nerberger@commglobaltelevista.com
http://www.commglobaltelevista.com
CommGlobalTeleVista Finds Cure, Needs More Money To Complete Testing, Share With Public
Dallas, Texas — May 20, 2011 — CommGlobalTeleVista, the 5th largest telecommunications corporation in the United States that was featured in Richard Arneson’s novel Citizen Dick, announced today that it’s not ready to make public its discovery of an instant cure for the hiccups until further testing can be carried out. But, insists Noble Tud, CommGlobalTeleVista’s CEO, the corporation doesn’t have enough capital to continue testing at this time.
“Unfortunately we didn’t sell enough of the additional 700,000 shares we made available to the public in January,” said Tud, his lower lip jutting out and quivering. ”So I guess only about 10 of us at CommGlobalTeleVista will know how to get rid of the hiccups. Too, too bad; we would have loved to share the secret, but it wouldn’t be responsible to do so until we were 100 percent sure it’s safe. But, trust me, we know it’s effective. To test it, I downed two shots of Tabasco, got hiccups that almost dislodged my esophagus, and seconds later was ready for another shot. Gone, just like that.
“At this point, I can only hope those Wall Street”—Tud air quotes—”pundits will get a 30-year case of the hiccups on their way to hell.”
“It’s blackmail, plain and simple,” said Randal L. Stephenson, the Chairman, CEO and President of AT&T. “And I’m not just saying that because I’ve had hiccups 10 out of the last 11 days. They’re blackmailing the public into—Hiccup!—damnit! That’s 11 out of 12! They’re just trumping up this—Hiccup!—cure so people will blow their money—Hiccup!—damnit! So people will blow their money on a company that—Hiccup!—still thinks the Internet is a fad.”
But Tud insists CommGlobalTeleVista is doing nothing more than practicing corporate responsibility, something, he says, more corporations—especially those within the telecommunications industry— should be embracing. “We learned our lesson five years ago when we released the CommGlobalTeleVista GT-5000 handset too soon. Who could have guessed they’d catch fire when coming in contact with sideburns? We’re not sharing our hiccups findings until we can test it some more. But, in case you’re wondering, you can purchase our stock anywhere—online, through a brokerage firm…hell, they might be available at Walmart by now.”
At day’s end, CommGlobalTeleVista’s stock price had dropped like post-menopausal breasts, down 0.11 to $10.09 per share.
For additional information about CommGlobalTeleVista’s hiccup cure, buy some shares in our company, and don’t be cheap about it. It’s only ten bucks—get hundreds and pass them out to your friends and relatives. It can’t keep going down forever, right?
CommGlobalTeleVista is a global telecommunications corporation employing over 44,000 cynical employees in twenty-two offices on four continents, even though they only offer services on three. Claiming that buying its stock is as easy as catching an STD in a frat house, CommGlobalTeleVista owns and operates thousands of domestic, fiber optic miles that traverse the country in no particular form or fashion. CommGlobalTeleVista sells long distance and data service, cell phones, spotty wireless connectivity, pre-paid calling cards, meat byproducts, 1 1/2G service, soup-to-nuts animal sexing services, and now holds the key to making people’s lives more livable.
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June 1, 2011
Hi shareholders, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, a company that’s currently trading at $9.07, which is better than all of the companies that are trading at less than that.
Damnit, why does the word “merger” have to have such negative connotations? Nothing’s wrong with a merger…isn’t that what some people call a marriage? When drivers merge into another lane is that such a bad thing? We all have to get on the highway, right?
As our tagline says, “We’ll probably merge some more,” which should give you an idea how I feel about mergers. They’re fantantic! The amount of goodies you get is sensational, too. When we were about to merge with Sprint, I got over $3,000 in Sprint giveaways that they had collecting dust in a warehouse from several of their failed product launches. I still use the Sprint Beefsteak head covers when I play golf.
All of that aside, though, I can’t say that I’m on board with the upcoming merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. First of all, it will be your garden variety monopoly—and I know about monopolies. Remember, CommGlobalTeleVista is the company that tried—I’m sorry, was accused of trying—to corner the Iowa corn nut market. I know how it works, and, I’m tellin’ ya’, AT&T will have another monopoly on their hands. then the Justice Department will have break it all apart in a few years just like they did in the eighties when they made them spawn off all the baby bells. So why not just put an end to it here, Justice Department? Save yourself some time now and down the road, unless you’re trying to keep the workload funnel full.
Secondly, have you seen that brunette T-Mobile has in their television ads? She’s my dream come true, and I can say that because I’ve been married for over 20 years and my wife couldn’t care if I found baby ducklings sexy. She’s been engaged in her own set of mergers for the past couple of decades, if you know what I mean.
But it really pisses me off that those saps at AT&T will probably get to hang out with the T-Mobile girl and have dinner and drinks with her. Our last merger resulted in me meeting Arnold Schwarzenegger at the California State Fair. And did you see that thing that broke up his marriage? Not exactly the T-Mobile girl.
If only we wouldn’t have lost over 75% of our market value in the past 5 years, then maybe I could’ve merged with her—I mean them.
Wall Street insists that the 75% has to do with our mergers, but I disagree; it was the product of a very poor economy and just plain bad luck. How could I have known ten years ago that buying the largest payphone company in the world was a bad idea? Other than AT&T, Sprint, Verizon, T-Mobile—and there might be a few more—who could have predicted that cell phones would be such a big damn deal?
And I still insist that purchasing TeleVista was a brilliant idea, just not at the right time. I still have the articles about their super fast, dial-up modem speeds. They won an award back in ‘99 for sending an entire copy of the Bible through one of their modems in under 48 hours! It doesn’t sound like much now, but at that time…Wow! Again, who would have thought you’d be able to one day get Internet service from your cable company? It’s all so confusing when you’re running a big technology company. Damnit, the phone company should give you phone service, and the cable company should give you your TV and porn. I hate all of this overlap.
And there are way too many numbers to remember, and I resent it. It’s really, really hard.
But, still, what other job could allow a guy like me to have drinks and dinner with the T-Mobile girl? Well, I guess not my job, but that was more of a rhetorical question.
Keep dialing…but on our phone lines!
-Noble Tud, CEO, CommGlobalTeleVista
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT:
Roderick Nerberger, III
CommGlobalTeleVista
214-289-7729
littlerod.nerberger@commglobaltelevista.com
http://www.commglobaltelevista.com
CommGlobalTeleVista Given Best Transitional Career Move Award By National Human Resources Association
Dallas, Texas — May 30, 2011 — CommGlobalTeleVista, the 5th largest telecommunications corporation in the United States that was featured in Richard Arneson’s novel Citizen Dick, announced today that it’s been awarded the Best Transitional Career Move award by the National Human Resources Association (NHRA) at their annual conference. It’s the ninth time the company has received the award in the past ten years, losing out to Enron in 2001.
The award, given out each May at the NHRA’s annual conference in Las Vegas, honors the company that serves as the best “stepping stone to another career” for its employees. The award is based on several criteria, including most time spent looking at Internet job sites while at work, most employees willing to leave for far less pay, most employees claiming “if something else came up, I’d leave in a heartbeat,”, and the highest percentage of employees weeping in the parking lot prior to work.
“I’m very proud of the opportunities we provide to our employees,” said Noble Tud, CommGlobalTeleVista’s CEO, “even if those opportunities end up being with other companies, usually our competitors. It’s just another reason we were voted Best Company To Work For by the Resume Preparedness Council earlier this year. In going through over 1,000 resume posting sites on the Internet, they found those submitted by our employees were the best prepared and, as they put it, ‘had the greatest sense of urgency.’
“Our employees are our most important asset, and by constantly getting new ones, we’re essentially replacing old, tired ones. And that’s good business.”
At day’s end, CommGlobalTeleVista’s stock price had dropped again, this time down 0.10 to $9.09 per share.
For additional information about CommGlobalTeleVista’s awards and honors, check back at http://www.commglobaltelevista.com/ in another several months. We’re in the running for Company Most Likely To Accidently Merge With A Company In Chapter 11 award. We feel we’re a lock.
CommGlobalTeleVista is a global telecommunications corporation employing over 44,000 cynical employees in twenty-two offices on four continents, even though they only offer services on three. Offering lucrative bonuses to employees who remain in their position for over three months, CommGlobalTeleVista owns and operates thousands of domestic, fiber optic miles that traverse the country in no particular form or fashion. CommGlobalTeleVista sells long distance and data service, cell phones, spotty wireless connectivity, pre-paid calling cards, meat byproducts, 1 1/2G service, soup-to-nuts animal sexing services, the key to making people’s lives more livable, and a couple of industry awards given in the latter part of the 20th Century.
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CONTACT:
Roderick Nerberger, III
CommGlobalTeleVista
214-289-7729
littlerod.nerberger@commglobaltelevista.com
http://www.commglobaltelevista.com
CommGlobalTeleVista Announces Lower Payroll, Sponorship of Boys & Girls Club of Greater Dallas
Dallas, Texas — July 14, 2011 — CommGlobalTeleVista, the 5th largest telecommunications corporation in the United States that was featured in Richard Arneson’s novel Citizen Dick, announced today that it has signed a three-year agreement with The Boys & Girls Club of Greater Dallas, committing extensive volunteer support and offering high speed Internet and wireless services to the youths at a discount.
“CommGlobalTeleVista is extremely proud to be associated with such a fine, admirable institution as The Boys & Girls Club of Greater Dallas. I’d love to commit our assistance to their clubs in other parts of the country, but, at present, we’re stretched a little thin in the philanthropy department,” said Noble Tud, CommGlobalTeleVista’s CEO. “Maybe those kids can hold on until our agreement with The Greater Fort Lauderdale Clown College expires. We underestimated the number of scholarships we’d have to hand out, but we’re putting a lot of clowns on the streets, and I guess that’s a good thing. And I’m fairly sure they’ll all use our services at some point down the road.
“Also, I travel extensively to our other offices around the country, and I don’t see a lot of poor, troubled youths hanging around outside. I do see a lot of their parents, but they don’t need big brothers and sisters. And, really, underprivileged kids probably have a lot of big brothers and sisters already, given the rabbit-like spawning of the poor.”
Tud scoffs at complaints lodged by several former CommGlobalTeleVista employees that the company is merely looking for free labor to replace the 125 call center workers they laid off last month. He insists the company’s requirement that served youths must work at least 10 hours a week in its call center is merely an effort to provide skills they’ll be able to take with them when they enter the workforce.
“Anybody can take a kid to a ballgame or an amusement park,” said Tud. “We want to get these kids thinking about their future. There’s a red ass-world waiting for them, so there’s no better time than the present to prepare them for it. Of course a kid would have a ball eating cotton candy, riding roller coasters, and going to the zoo. But we’ll be readying needy kids for life in a cube wearing a headset and responding to customer complaints eight hours a day. Sure, if you’re a half-empty thinker, then, yes, you might consider it free labor. But we’re not half-empty thinkers at CommGlobalTeleVista. We’re not even half-full thinkers. Our thinking is totally full of it! And that just might pay off for us one day.”
At day’s end, CommGlobalTeleVista’s stock price leveled off at $9.09 per share, due to no reason anybody could think of.
For additional information about CommGlobalTeleVista’s sponsorship of The Boys & Girls Club of Greater Dallas, go to http://www.commglobaltelevista.com/ and do a search on ”One of the many ways we’ve reduced our labor costs.”
CommGlobalTeleVista is a global telecommunications corporation employing over 44,000 cynical employees in twenty-two offices on four continents, even though they only offer services on three. Offering lucrative bonuses to employees who remain in their position for over three months, CommGlobalTeleVista owns and operates thousands of domestic, fiber optic miles that traverse the country in no particular form or fashion. CommGlobalTeleVista sells long distance and data service, cell phones, spotty wireless connectivity, pre-paid calling cards, meat byproducts, 1 1/2G service, soup-to-nuts animal sexing services, the key to making people’s lives more livable, a couple of industry awards that were given in the latter part of the 20th Century. It’s also prepping underprivileged youths for a future in Corporate America.
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June 15, 2011
Hi shareholders, Noble Tud here, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, a company that’s stock price hasn’t dropped so much as a penny in the last 48 hours.
When I was a kid, I really wanted a three-wheeled bike, one with a basket on the back. I was really into being able to carry my stuff with me, and even imagined that I could sell fruits and vegetables out of it. But my parents wouldn’t let me outside the grounds of our 10 1/2-acre estate in Red Bank, New Jersey, so I had to settle for selling lemonade to the contractors who spent 3 years building our gazebo.
But, boy did I want a three-wheeled bike! My Father said that only retards rode three-wheeled bikes, and that no Tud would ever ride anything other than the two-wheeled variety. My father was always a little cranky and, yes, politicaly incorrect—I think village idiot or retardo is probably a more preferable term today—but he was absolutely correct. Why use three of something when you can get away with using only two—even one, in the case of the unicycle? But I’ve only seen circus freaks and carnies ride them. So let’s stick to two wheels…or perhaps one and a half. Let me explain.
I recalled for this terribly sad story from my youth because I attended a meeting last week in New York City, an investor’s conference that was loaded with a lot of big brains going on and on and on about numbers, which, as I’ve mentioned before, I don’t like. Again, I resent having to remember so many. Although my masters degree is in finance, my brain was a lot less cluttered in those days, and the numbers didn’t seem to bother me as much. Plus, Jeannine, my lovely administrative assistant—she’s wearing another hip-hugging leather skirt—who’ve I’ve known since undergrad, told me one time that she was really into guys with masters degrees in finance.* While it ultimately helped me get where I am today, it never panned out as I’d hoped with Jeannine. But there’s always time.**
So this one knucklehead from, I believe, Shearson Lehman—or was it the motivational speaker who works for Zig Ziglar, I can’t remember—is bragging about his years there, which seemed odd considering they filed for bankruptcy and many other big brains consider it the greatest corporate collapse of all time. Then he starts talking about the importance of investing in a corporation that has, as he put it, “three legs.” He goes on to say that if a stool has three legs, you can successfully balance on it. And his three legs of a corporation were financial, personnel, and product. He said that if you don’t have all three legs, you can’t sit on the stool. I don’t think this is true, because if you have strong thighs and have done a lot of lunges, you should be able to balance on the stool by using your muscular, rippling thighs to keep yourself upright.
So I start thinking about CommGlobalTeleVista and what our stool looks like, and I imagine our stool sample being dark brown. So according to Big Brain Shearson, our stool sample would only have a leg and a half, which, I’m convinced, you could still sit on if you had muscular thighs and terrific balance.
I’m nothing if not a realist, so, honestly, I’ll have to saw the financial leg off CommGlobalTeleVista’s stool sample just under the seat…at least at present. We’ll turn it around once we get our wireless network in the 2G, maybe even 2H-I range.
And while I’m not fully prepared to give us a full leg in the product category, I think our stool sample merits half a leg there. Apparently the other wireless providers have trumped up this 4G stuff, which I think is a lot of hooey, as my dear departed nanny, and the now incarcerated gardener, used to say; although he said it in Spanish, which actually sounds the same as it does in English.
But our stool sample does have one full leg, and, actually, I think we should get credit for a leg and a half in this area. Our employees are our leg and a half; they come to work everyday, sit in cubes, type into computers, wonder why we jettisoned the wall clocks, and pray CommGlobalTeleVista will continue to contribute ten cents to their 401(k) for every dollar they put in it. And, until just last week, they also got to drink all the coffee their nerves could handle from 8 to 5. We’ve since limited them to 6 ounces a day, not to be mean, but, well, coffee ain’t cheap, even when you buy it in bulk, I’ve been told.
So right now, according to the analogy made by Mr. Big Brain—I think he even had a foreign name, like Luigi, Achmad, Pierre, or Carl—CommGlobalTeleVista is a stool with one and half legs. Well, I proudly stand by our one a half legs. Actually I’ll proudly stand on them, but in a seated, stool-friendly position.
Keep dialing…but on our phone lines!
-Noble Tud, CEO, CommGlobalTeleVista
* Jeannine Note: I told him that because I assumed he couldn’t handle the courseload, would drop out of school, and totally give up on the notion that we would end up together.
** Jeannine Note: Not even if it would ensure world peace.
Washington, DC—Female legislators, both Democrats and Republicans, have finally had enough, the recent resignation of Democratic Tony Weiner—he tweeted a picture of his keezer to a teenaged, female follower—setting in motion their proposal of a new tax that would be levied against politicians for lewd behavior. Their discussions on the topic began in March of this year after Republican Senator John Ensign of Nevada resigned from office due to the discovery of extramarital affairs and ABBA songs on his iPod.
The proposed DAT (Dumb Ass Tax) Tax will penalize politicians for moronic behavior, and while it will cover a wide spectrum of indiscretions and be levied against men and women, Senate Ethics Committee chairman Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., is confident it will be imposed “close to 100 percent of the time due to the idiotic misuse of a man’s flippy.”
“This is long overdue,” she continued. “Schwarzenegger had sex with his housekeeper, (former Democratic presidential hopeful) John Edwards and (South Carolina governor) Mark Sanford screwed around on their wives and lied about it, President Clinton”—Boxer air quotes—”didn’t have sex with the chick in the beret; there’s Kilpatrick, Fosella, Dann, Gibbons—the list goes on and on. Really, these sex scandals are not that scandalous anymore. They’ve become way too common; you open the paper, read the weather forecast, the obits, and learn which politician is being a dumbass. But even if the shock value’s gone, we might as well generate some tax dollars from it.”
Several male politicans chimed in on the subject, all speaking on the condition of anonymity. ”I think the DAT Tax is offensive,” said one representative, “and will only serve to undermine the already paper-thin confidence our constituents have in us. When I’m caught having an affair, I should be given the opportunity to lie about it without having to worry about getting taxed on top of it. When I’ve already dragged my family through the mud, how do you think they’ll feel when I have to start selling assets to pay the tax? How do I explain to my kids that I had to unload our summer home because I’ve been labeled a dumbass by the government?
“Wait a minute—did I use the word ’when’ a couple of times in there?”
“I’ll admit it,” said Boxer, “we’re all in this business for the power trip. And what person—or should I say man—wants power if he can’t get sex out of it, especially when it’s with a woman who’d otherwise be way out of his league? Unless, of course, you’re talking about [former Senator, R-Idaho] Larry Craig, who was looking for sex in an airport bathroom with a man who was out of his league.
“We [female politicians] don’t do it for sex, we just want to get seated quicker at restaurants.”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting
SCRANTON, PENNSYLVANIA—It’s been over 13 years since the U.S. government and the United Superheroes Union (USU) has had an agreement in place, but President Obama is feeling more pressure than any of his predecessors to move those negotiations along, which have entered week 785.
Not since Compound Fracture Man disconnected his right leg at the tendons, then clubbed a bank robber with his disengaged limb until police arrived, has the U.S. government paid a super hero for any act of service. The day after he was awarded $75,000 by President George Bush, the last agreement in place expired; the two sides have been negotiating on terms—primarily related to pensions and health insurance—since then. But once WikiLeaks, the international organization that publishes anonymous government and corporate information, released hundreds of U.S. diplomatic cables to the Web last week, the need to get an agreement in place has never been more pressing.
According to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, what the U.S. government needs right now is a guy from Scranton, Pennsylvania, a meek super hero who’s terrified to cross the picket line, even if doing so might stave off another deep economic recession. “[Julian] Assange [WikiLeaks’ founder and president] is threatening to release critical information about several large U.S. corporations,” said Gibbs, addressing a kindergarten class as part of its Bring Your Grandpa to School Day. “Ones I own stock in!
“If we can’t get an agreement in place with the USU—or get this twit to cross the picket line—your parents probably won’t be able to afford to pay your college tuition…not that a 6-year-old would care. How ‘bout this—I wouldn’t be surprised if they won’t be able to afford Christmas presents this year!”
Tucker Orville, the twit about whom Gibbs spoke, was granted his USU card upon graduating from Monmouth College in 2008 with a bachelor’s degree in Computer Science. His Algorithm Design and Analysis professor jokingly called him Byte Man after Orville aced his final exam. The name stuck. And when Orville delivered a pizza to the USU headquarters, the receptionist was quick to notice his whimsical Byte Man name badge. The USU, always long on physical prowess, is often criticized for being painfully short on technological acumen, a critical shortcoming in the information age. They offered Orville a union card on the spot, and promptly took his first year’s dues from his tips pouch.
“I guess being a superhero is kinda’ cool,” said Orville, exiting his blue Prius while balancing two stacked pizza boxes in his right hand. “But I thought there would be some money in it. Some money. I’m still driving pizzas all over town, and I’ve got a lot of student loans to pay off. I hope they get the agreement signed soon. If nothing else,” he said, gesturing to the super hero costume he wore, a light blue, Lycra Spandex body suit, “I’d really like to hire an outfit pro to work on my get-up. A “B” and “M” made out of electrical tape and stuck to my chest doesn’t impress many people.”
So Orville found himself caught in the middle of a time-honored struggle, one involving strikes, picket lines, physical threats, hairy backs, and seedy, smoke-filled backroom negotiations, primarily involving politicians. It’s a world Orville knew little—or even cared—about until Gibbs ordered a pizza one day and requested Byte Man personally deliver it to his office in Washington, D.C., a three hour drive from Scranton.
“I told young Mr. Orville who he was dealing with,” said Gibbs, smiling. “And I’m not talking about the U.S. government. Unfortunately, he’ll grow more and more disillusioned about us as he gets older. But I wanted to give him a little history lesson about the USU. I told him how talks broke down with them when we needed to find Bin Laden because we discovered their superheroes were crappy map readers and directionally-challenged. We didn’t need somebody who could lift a train, we needed somebody who could find a gangly bearded guy in the mountains of Afghanistan.”
Gibbs insists the days of needing superheroes who can lift buildings and see through walls are over, that it’s time for the geeks to step forward, the people who know how to hack into the servers and computers of super villains like Assante. But even though he believes the USU’s time has come and gone, he’s quick to point out that their members have done good work in the past. He cited Ollie the Odiferous, the superhero who smelled the Unibomber’s body odor from Denmark, then tracked him to a shanty in the mountains of Montana.
“As I mentioned to Tucker,” continued Gibbs, “he could make a lot more money working directly for the government. And we could give him a good outfit, one befitting a real Byte Man, maybe something covered with sequined ‘1’s’ and ‘0’s’.
“And we’ve offered him protection if he crosses the picket line—not that he’ll need it. Most of the USU superheroes are old and fat, and just sit around drinking coffee, eating cereal, and talking about the good old days when superheroes were strong and super villains didn’t flinkle around with computers and electronics.”
But Orville hasn’t decided what to do, not, he says, because he has anything against the government, but because he’s just plain scared. “Mr. Gibbs says he’ll protect me if I cross the picket line, whatever the picket line is. I just know it ultimately means a lot of old dudes will want to kick my ass. He says, ‘They’re old, they’re fat’, but I’m 25 and can’t lift a dining room chair over my head. At my age, these dudes could change the Earth’s rotation. So they can only lift something like my car? You don’t think they could kick my ass now?
“And I haven’t told him [Gibbs] this yet, but I don’t even know if I’m a real super hero. It’s obvious he didn’t do any research on me. I just aced one test in college, but that was due to a lot of coffee and a handful of diet pills. I guess he just figured if I was in the USU, I could stop WikiLeaks, whatever that is.” Orville scratches his head, then brightens. “I wonder if there’s an Xbox game about it. If there is, it’s Game On WikiLeaks.”—Citizen Dick Arneson reporting
